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“Punk ass bitch”

Tree

• The Terminal Times

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By learning Latin with our rest-of-your-life step program, you’ll be able to:

• Summon demons
• Seduce big titty goth chicks
• Call plants by their scientific names
• Bang your Latin professor
• Get away with racial slurs

“Et tu, Brute” is a language learning app that strives to teach you Latin the same way the Romans did, on a cell phone! Though our app lacks the sodomy and the Colleseum, we are confident you’ll be annoying your fellow man in no time! And for the small price of JUST your soul, you’ll have 24/7 access to our literally groundbreaking app!

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Enter code word “Dante” to transfer directly to the 4th level of purgatory.

Disclaimer

The Terminal Times is not liable for but not limited to; frogs falling from the sky, locusts, the devil, or total destruction of humankind.

• The Terminal Times

In a video conference from the capitol building on Friday, Mitch McConnell announced through multiple layers of chicken flaps that he took a DNA test and he is, in fact, 100% that Mitch.

“I thought the test results would be more exciting, like maybe 90% white (supremacist) and 10% mechanically separated chicken, but the results were a bit more… urban… than that. Turns out, I am 100% that Mitch.”

For all the other people named Mitch in the world, the news has been devastating. “White men are great, and white men named Mitch are even greater,” said McConnell. “But the truth is that I’m the only Mitch that matters. And for all the other Mitch’s- sometimes, the truth hurts.”

• The Terminal Times

D.C. – In a sweeping, bilateral move, the Senate has officially passed the “Most Voters Left Behind” Act that changes the legal voting age to 71. 

“We want to select voters that represent our candidates well,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “And we just felt the younger generation didn’t understand our candidates. We’re targeting a demographic whose only Tik-Toks come from a grandfather clock.” 

“We can’t give them all healthcare,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “but we can give a select few the privilege to vote, which would allow cloudy-eyed perverts like myself to continue running the country.”

The bill also provides cash stipends to individuals of any age who interject the phrase, “voting doesn’t even matter,” into casual conversations. In a widely acclaimed section, the bill also approves of a “negative vote,” which is a vote that counts against a candidate if the vote is cast by an ethnic or religious minority.

When asked to sign the bill, President Trump stated, “Fine, I’ll take the bill. But I’m not tipping.”

– Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

In a small town in northern Iowa, Andy Ilkin is on top of the world. “I got laid last night,” said Andy. “It was awesome.”

After years of striking out, Andy finally hit a “home run.” Overwhelmed with glee, the 23 year old communications major at Davenport University had a hard time expressing himself at a press conference on Thursday. “It was so dope, you gotta try it,” spouted the recently sexed out savage before roller-skating into the sunset, with sex in his heart and love on his mind.

– The Terminal Times

According to his colleagues and constituents, Joe Biden is worried about a possible second world war because “2 comes after 1.” 

“What, with all this bird cold humbala and nuclear doohickeys we could very possibly be in the midst of a second world war,” said Joe Biden in a video conference from his private nursing home in Wilmington, Delaware on Tuesday. “I’m here to say that if I’m elected president, we’ll send Hiroshima out on those suckers, and it’ll be for the good guys, too!”

In opposition to Biden’s worries, President Trump has promised Americans that he will “win big” in World Wars 3, 4, & 5 if re-elected.

• The Terminal Times

The American people have faced so many tragedies since the COVID-19 outbreak began. The US has lost notable musicians like John Prine and Adam Schlesinger, watched the Healthcare system crumble under the weight of this pandemic, and lnow they are being faced with their greatest tragedy yet: a total lack of originality.

Thousands have turned their isolation into their own personal recording studios equipped with hundreds of hours of free time, a single iPhone, and absolutely zero talent or expertise.

“Yeah, I was doing an Instagram Live while I was making a peanut butter sandwich,” said local influencer Dan Thompson on Saturday. “And I thought to myself, ‘There has to be something more desperate than this.’”

Thankfully, it’s not just impoverished losers like Dan making podcasts, celebrities are doing it too! 

Kumail Nanjiana and Emily Gordon started their new podcast called, “Rich But Not Relevant,” in which they call their equally rich-and-famous friends and ask how they’ve been able to feed the giant void in their soul that comes from the applause of strangers.

“It hasn’t been easy to stay at home with only my partner, dogs, butlers, maids, virtual-reality-gaming system, hot tub harem, classic flying car collection, and cocaine mountain,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger on a recent episode of “I’m Famous But Bored,” “But I know I’m doing my part. And that’s all we can really do.”

And that’s really what we’re all trying to do. We’re thankful that we will always have thirsty content creators to give us some abstract piece of effort and in return for all the love they never received from their families. Speaking of which, if you enjoyed this content, please like, subscribe, share, and send us cash in the mail.

– Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Whether it’s Zoom meetups, Instagram live comedy shows, or the power of song, everyone in the world is finding ways to come together while maintaining social distancing protocol. In North Minneapolis, residents are taking a more “hip-hopping” approach. 

As we arrived to the intersection of Dowling and Fremont this morning, we were greeted by 25 households on their porches singing 1988 super hit “Fuck the’ Police” by N.W.A. 

Entire families harmonized Ice Cube’s hard hitting opening lines of “Fuck the police, comin’ straight from the underground! A young n**ga got it bad cause I’m brown.”

It was a wonderful thing to see people of all backgrounds come together and sing. When asked the motivation behind the recital, resident Derik Morris said, “Man,  sometimes a mothafucka just wanna sing.”

• The Terminal Times, 4-12-20

COVID-19 is sweeping the globe, causing a health and economic pandemic. Through these tough times, it is a relief to know our dogs cannot contract or spread the virus. That’s what Jim Weatherby, 36, was relieved to hear, as he identifies as a rottweiler named “Pinata.” 

Jim, a biological human, was taken by COVID on March 17th after spending 2 weeks in a Veterinarian ICU. 

We caught up with Jim’s wife, Gretchen Weatherby, to get an in depth look at the life and death of a man who identifies as a rottweiler. 

 Q: How long was Jim a dog, and how did he lose the battle to the virus? 

“He was a dog for two years, or 14 in his years. When the news of COVID-19 hit our state, I tried warning him. I really did. But, no matter how much I pleaded and begged, he would just look at me and say, ‘Woof woof, woof woof.” It’s hard to tell someone they’re not really a rottweiler named Pinata.”

 Q: How did you meet him? 

“I first saw him in our local dog park. He was barking at a squirrel up in a tree. I went over to pet him, and we locked eyes. It was love at first sight. He might be man’s best friend, but he was going to be my boyfriend. As I turned to walk away, he buried his nose in my rear-end, and that’s when I knew he was the one.” 

 Q: Do you have any regrets? 

 “I regret playing into it for so long. Especially walking through the park in front of people… picking up his poop. It was humiliating.”

Q: Where is Jim now? 

“I considered what he would’ve wanted, so I buried him in the backyard by his bones. He’s forever in our backyard, 6 feet deep. Which is a relief, because 6 feet is also the guidelines set by the CDC. We might be separated by social distancing, but he’s always in my heart.” 

• Jake Shane, The Terminal Times