Category: Uncategorized

“Am I doing something interesting other people want to see? No. Am I doing something enjoyable, that I’m proud of? No. Am I sharing it with all of my followers almost every single hour? For sure,” said 27-year-old content creator Josh Tuggle.

Josh has been part of a lockdown phenomenon that is taking Instagram by storm. Despite having no worthwhile experiences or perspectives, people like Josh are going live almost constantly. For many Instagram users, it’s the perfect storm between familiarity and devastating boredom. 

“It’s a really cool way to connect with people while they’re still completely focused on me,” says fashion-blogger Tamika Runner, “It’s like a highlight reel of a conversation with me.”

“Sure, I feel like pathetic, thirsty trash,” said Josh. “But do you know a better way to get attention during the lockdown?” 

“No, honestly, do you know a way? I’m looking because there are way too many people going Live right now.” 

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Ruby, a biologically pure blood chihuahua was expelled from the Westminster Kennel Club dog show for not following dog breed protocols when she tried to compete as a German Pointer in the Sporting Dog portion of the show.

Many LGTBQD facebook groups were quick to defend and share Ruby’s story. “If Ruby believes she’s a German Pointer she is one. My daughter is white but identifies as black, and that’s okay, so why can’t a Mexican dog identify as a German one?” said Sophie Allen, the leader of the popular LGBTQD rescue “Non-Binary Barkers.”

“Woof,” said Ruby at press time.

• The Terminal Times

After Gal Gadot’s “Imagine” cover inspired hundreds to be less poor and more happy, celebrities have stepped up their game by burning money on TikTok to honor our frontline workers. “By burning the money we should be using to purchase face masks and ventilators, we are hoping to inspire the nurses, doctors, and scientists to work harder and solve this problem faster,” said Gal in a recent interview.

The videos feature a multitude of millionaires burning thousands of dollars in cash with Tesla blow torches, while a handful of thoughtful billionaires sunk yachts on Instagram Live to inspire peasants to not give up and start having more money.

Paris Hilton made heartwarming headlines last week after sending a copy of her sex tape to the Mayo Clinic and Jeff Bezos paid tribute by murdering a family of 5 for no apparent reason.

The US military paid their respects by sending a series of drone strikes to Syria.

• The Terminal Times 

Due to Coronavirus concerns and rims that are a bit too high, the WNBA dunk contest has officially been cancelled.

The WNBA, a non-profit organization dedicated to advocating for women’s rights to play basketball, added trampolines to last year’s contest and the decision was a smash success.

The contest featured one-handed dunks, two-handed dunks and a multitude of textbook layups.

Celebrity feminists have criticized the cancellation- hoping for its return next season. Michelle Obama called the contest “groundbreaking,” and president Trump said it was “pretty impressive actually, for women that look like men to be able to do that.”

• The Terminal Times

A local cat by the name of “Kisses” tortured, killed and mutilated an innocent mouse on Sunday before deciding she wasn’t hungry.

What most mouse detectives are calling a senseless, gruesome homicide was just plain old fun for the furry feline friend. At press time, Kisses told reporters she did it for the “love of the game” and had no intentions of using the mouse for sustenance.

When approached by reporters, the dead mouse declined to comment.

• The Terminal Times

 “Who do you think you are?” Dr. Phil asked an indignant Coronavirus on Thursday’s gut-wrenching episode of his daytime mental health exploitation show. 

“You’re toxic, Corona,” Phil declared, “you hurt so many people, and for what purpose?”

Viewers could barely hear the question over the sound of Hydroxychloroquine and her husband, Mr. Clean’s sobbing. 

“You’ve got to calm down,” he said to the silently brooding illness. Then, the Doc turned it on Corona’s mother, “And you’re not free and clear either, ma’am. Why do you think this virus is looking for this kind of attention and fame? I think it’s because it grew up in a household where its parents kept their social distance.”

This hard-hitting episode comes right off last week’s two-part confrontation with “Swimming Pool”- someone who, according to Dr. Phil, murders 360,000 people a year.

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

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“Wassup baby, you tryna slide?”

Uranus

• The Terminal Times

Thankfully, we still have a few businesses that are concerned with keeping the economy going. Jeff Bezos announced a new hiring spree for seasonal workers who are “probably healthy, and definitely desperate,” to collect the bodies of other Amazon workers who fell during the line of duty. 

“Employees who died due to COVID-19 can rest assured that they will be honored by the amount of money I am making,” said Jeff Bezos in a statement from his fallout bunker. 

Amazon has received criticism for the lack of healthcare benefits for his employees in the past. “That changes today,” Bezos said. Along with the hiring push, he’s also announced that every Amazon employee will receive a new healthcare package: thoughts and prayers.

In addition, every Amazon worker will receive a cyanide pill they can take the moment they begin to feel any symptoms of sickness or the desire for basic human rights.

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

“It all started when I went to a vape shop and bought this green plant that smelled like the inside of a lawnmower,” said Jackson Smith in a Twitch broadcast on Monday. “After just one hit, nothing happened, and it was all downhill from there.”

Researchers at Stanford University say CBD addiction could be the next major drug epidemic if not handled quickly and correctly, and suggest cannabis use as a healthy alternative to the deadly habit.

“The issue with CBD is that it’s a highly addictive substance derived from parts of the cannabis plant that don’t work,” said a horticulture professor at the university. “Our goal here at Stanford is to play a role in completely decriminalizing ganja at a federal level while making CBD a schedule 1 substance, in the same class as heroin, methamphetamine and crack.”

After going to his first CBD Anonymous meeting in March, Jackson tried weed for the first time and reported incredible results. “In a room full of CBD junkies like myself, it was reassuring to know theres people going through the same struggles as me. They didn’t really mention any alternative options, but it was really easy to find weed. It’s been life changing to switch gears, get clean, and find something healthy to base my entire identity on.”

• The Terminal Times

Hayward, WI – On Saturday, hundreds of people rushed into a burning building to support the owner’s choice to let it burn to the ground.

“I cannot accept that the Fire Department would spray water on my personal property, just because they think the fire can spread to other buildings,” said owner Joe Cullen.

“There’s really no proof that one fire in a building can lead to cases of fires in other buildings,” said a quote shared on Facebook attributed to Thomas Jefferson, “And, even if it did, I would rather be a crispy, constitutionally free man than an unscathed slave to the tyrannical government.”

This comes on the heels of a grassroots movement that questions the authority of the government infringing on its citizen’s rights. “I do not want my tax dollars putting out fires that we haven’t even found are that dangerous yet,” said one of Saturday’s protestors before bursting into flames. 

Many of them shared the sentiment that if an American can’t burn down his own building, then his freedom is on the chopping block. 

“Many of my fellow protestors died,” said a skin grafted survivor. “But at least they died liberated.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times