Category: Uncategorized

• The Terminal Times

After the bi-weekly “Get Girls Drunk” party at University of Minnesota’s Sigma Phi fraternity, Garret Johnson smelled of malt liquor and thinly-veiled regret. 

He met us at Al’s Diner in Dinkytown, ordering a salad and an overpriced IPA before asking reporters if we “saw the way that waitress was checking him out.” We didn’t. But the 24 year old gender studies major insisted – “15 minutes with her and I’ll change her life.”

When questioned why he brings the guitar to parties, Garret replied, “Honestly, I think it was a calling. My dad brought guitars to parties, his dad brought guitars parties. My mom says there is oral history of our earliest ancestors plucking Wonderwall on their bow and arrow to annoy the members of their hunting party. But for me, I think it’s mainly because playing the G-chords gets females in their G-strings.” 

Shortly after paying the bill and foregoing the tip, Garret vanished – backing up traffic on a Lime Scooter on his way to CVS, on a quest to buy genital enlargement supplements and another box of off-brand Plan-B pills.

• The Terminal Times

We are all familiar with Invention’s work – from the iPhone to the Snuggie – but it’s great to see even she hasn’t forgotten her mother, Necessity, in the midst of all the fame.

“In so many ways, I wouldn’t exist without you,” Invention wrote in a Facebook post today for her mother. “It’s hard to find the words to express just how important she is to me. If you look up ‘essential’ in the dictionary, you’ll find her.”

This comes as a refreshing relief from some of the Invention’s less grateful posts. She has been trying to make a name for herself by branching out on her own without her mother Necessity. This has led to some of her more controversial products like Crocs, the Kardashians, and endless celebrity music videos. 

We’re happy to see them making amends. 

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Josh and Kelli set down their swords (phones), still wet with the blood of today’s battles. Their Twitter-patrolling has become a national phenomenon. Together they are the couple famous for “being able to ruin anything,” but it is not without its price. 

“My hands are raw from all this clapping-back,” said Josh. Kelli nodded in agreement, “Our fingers are beefy and our hearts are heavy.”

Since 2015, they have made it their mission to scour Twitter to root out anything possibly offensive or joyful. “So many of these tweets are written in English,” said Kelli, “that’s devastating because that’s the language that Nazis speak.”

“I think of us as educators,” Josh stated, “we’re slaying ignorance. So many people tweet without knowing just how many insecurities people can project on their statement.” 

Still, they refuse to be labeled as heroes. “Don’t call us heroes,” said Kelli, “that’s too gender-specific.”

They did say that if we share this article on Twitter, they will have to take up arms against us. We tweeted “Good morning,” in 2017 without realizing that, “for many people, millions even, it’s not a ‘good morning.’ It’s the worst morning of their life.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

On the outside, Jeremy Higgins is a quiet, introspective grocery store stocker from Rockport, Massachusetts. On the internet, he is Sheeple Eater 666.

Jeremy is one of thousands of YouTube scientists dedicated to proving to the world that facts are wrong, and that 5G towers are the root cause of the Coronavirus outbreak. “Microbiologists need to do some research,” said Jeremy in a recent video. 

His theory, entitled “the five and six connection,” uses concrete speculation to communicate his point. 

“‘5G’ kind of looks like 56. Five plus six is eleven. What’s so bad about eleven, you ask? It’s one and one. If you have two ones together, you get two. Two plus eleven? Thirteen. Bad number.” 

Jeremy hopes people will watch his videos and decide, just like he has decided, that the world needs peace. And the only way to find that peace is to burn down every 5G tower on Earth.

• The Terminal Times

“It really huwts,” said Mikey Kahan about his finger after a super scary accident that sent both him and his twin brother Jeffery “Jeffwy” Kahan flying across the bedroom on Tuesday evening. “Jeffwy pushed me,” he repeated for the seventh time to no one in particular. The crash came during a tiebreaking race in a best-of-five series scheduled to finish before night-night. John Kahan, league official and father, said about the incident: “That’s it. We are done with racing for a bit. These things always get too crazy.” In a backlash to this ruling, fans were quick to point out that this is only the second accident that the twins have seen since receiving the racecar bed last December. Mr. Kahan declined to give any further comment. At the time of reporting, sources are still unable to confirm the exact nature of the bed’s malfunction.

• Russell Nelson, The Terminal Times

Shortly after being caught trespassing on an elementary school bus, Bart Simpson, a 36 year old 10 year old, exposed his buttocks to a bus field with children en route to Springfield Elementary. 

Judge Roy Snyder gave Mr. Simpson a plea deal that required him to write “I will not expose my buttocks” 500 times on his homeroom chalkboard, and to register on the county’s sex offender watchdog website. When asked if he had a closing statement before sentencing, Bart replied, “Eat my shorts!”

At a press conference, Springfield police Chief Clancy Wiggum had a few choice words for the young man. “My boy Ralphie went to school with the kid. That Bart ain’t right.” From the back of the room, Ralphie said “I went to school with the butt guy!” 

In other local news, Kwik-E-Mart owner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon is being tried for an illegal immigration case that involves his wife and eight kids.

• The Terminal Times

“Aye foo puff puff pass”

In Los Angeles, Mexico, local stoner Cheech Marín is celebrating Cinco de Mayo by getting stoned off his ass.

• The Terminal Times

May the giant fourth be with you

• The Terminal Times

“We’re trying to be more laid back,” said WHO spokesperson Christian Lindemeier. “Sure, the hornets’ stingers are big enough to penetrate bee-keepers’ suits and they will most likely decimate the bee population and subsequently the environment, but let’s not go overboard here.”

This response to the invasive species of hornets comes fresh off the WHO’s mellow response to COVID-19. In a statement on Monday, they announced they will continue operating with a two-step plan: 1) ignoring it and hoping it goes away, and 2) declaring that the end is nigh and everyone should have taken this much more seriously when it started. 

“I mean, we got too serious about the Swine Flu and look how that turned out,” said Lindemeier, “catching this kind of stuff early is just embarrassing because so few people die and then everyone thinks we overreacted.”

They’ve decided not to put on labels on it quite yet and “see how things go.” 

“Is it our job to look out for the well-being of the world? Yeah. Are there steps we can take now to minimize damage? Sure. Will we do anything yet? Hell no, don’t be so paranoid.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times