Category: Uncategorized

On Monday, Chick-Fil-A rolled out their most progressive initiative yet, in what they’re calling “a victory for all LGBBQ people.” They have decided to serve only queer chickens to their guests from this moment forward.

“Our company has grown,” says Doug Michaels, Chick-Fil-A spokesperson, “the time for straight chicken sandwiches is over, I need queer meat in my mouth!”

LGBTQ advocates around the country are “confused,” and “unsure why this is a good thing,” but Chick-Fil-A continues to insist that all of their animals are gay.

“Those cows with the sign?” Michaels continues, “Yeah, they’re super gay too.”

They’ve hired acclaimed gay-rights activist JK Rowling to give their animals a complete “gay makeover,” but so far that campaigns consists of changing nothing and tweeting that the chickens were gay this whole time.

In an interview on Tuesday, CEO Dan Cathy admitted it was a risky move. “Some of our customers believes you can catch gay from eating gay chicken sandwiches,” he said,” which is ridiculous. Heat cooks out the gay.”

“We will not kill a single straight chicken from here on out,” says Cathy on Twitter, “we will now only serve roosters that love other cocks.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

A tragic scene in the back of a local refrigerator – a group of vegetables pen their last will and testament. They were bought hastily only to be left in the vegetable drawer to await a slow death.

“When she ran out of hummus, I knew we were done for,” relays a bag of carrots, “We are Whole Foods but we’re not fulfilled foods.”

Many of the other vegetables share this sentiment. “We’re a super food,” says Kale, “but our main super power is being bought quickly and dying slowly.”

A barely-recognizable green pool of what was once an avocado cries out, “Trader Joe’s is where we’re from but we’ve come home to Traitor Joe’s!”

This is sadly a common occurrence – there are all too many fridges crowded with hopeless vegetables long forgotten. At another fridge, a wrinkled cucumber has made peace with his fate, “I know I’ll be composted – I just hope I come back as blueberries. No one makes a pie out of cucumbers.”

For years now fruit has been the reigning champion of the produce department. “It’s not so easy for us,” says a Granny Smith Apple, “you can’t compare fruits and vegetables. It’s like comparing apples and…oh, hmm…”

This comes on the heels of recent fruit bowl protests (“we’re not just painting models”) and an increase in bananas who’ve thrown into the freezer to be made into “banana bread” at an unspecified date.

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

What would you do for a Klondike bar? According to dairy scientists at Columbia University, some people would do a lot! The study reveals convincing new data that shows a 25% increase in blowjob percentages when subjects were told they could have a Klondike bar after blowing, and that 5% of every blowjob on Earth is due in part to the tasty treat.

“This is remarkable,” said professor Michael Swartz, “I’m gonna have to get myself a box.” The experiment, performed on rats, noticed significant increases in rats blowing each other when one rat was told he could have a Klondike bar after blowing his furry friend.

Professor Swartz presented an interesting assignment to his grad students last winter- posing the question, “how many blowjobs could we procure if we all brought Klondike bars to class?” The experiment resulted in five blowjobs in a span of 24 hours, but it is unclear whether the results were due to Klondike bars or stereotypical college promiscuity. “It was awesome,” said student Clayton Williams, with an empty box of Klondike bars in hand.

Although Klondike bars were proven to increase blowjob percentages amongst the general population, the strategy was not as successful within the lactose intolerant community. 

• The Terminal Times

“This ones tough,” said Darren Michalson, obese pipefitter and state fair enthusiast. “My wife and children go every year. It’s a family tradition. My daughter got her first stretch mark after last year’s fair and we were hoping we could get her four more come September.”

On Friday, May 22nd the Minnesota state fair board announced the decision to cancel the upcoming 2020 “Great Get Together” due to coronavirus concerns.

“It wasn’t easy to do. Hundreds of thousands rely on us to put on weight for winter, but this year they’re going to have to look elsewhere to satiate their need for fried spam, cheese, and shitty overpriced cookies,” said Jerry Hammer, state fair CEO, while swimming in a pool of cheese money.

“I don’t think I can go a summer without a pronto pup,” said local plumber Dan Anderson, while covered in mustard. “I buy those damn state fair corn dogs, but they just don’t taste as good without a teenager making them in a sauna.”

• The Terminal Times

Here at manstink.com, we’ve gone back to rock hard, angular bars of drab-colored hunks of animal fat glycerin FOR YOU because you’re such a goddamn GOOD LOOKING MASCULINE MAN, you hunk of whole milk and SHREDDED WHEAT!

Your muscles are big and need the cleaning they deserve! Don’t settle for four dollar bottles of sissy girl gel douche or whatever, punk ass! You need a 25$ rock hard brick of charcoal and propane that smells like tire fire and whiskey vomit LIKE A MAN! But not just any man. Our smellologists are working around the clock to perfect a universal dad pheromone that will intoxicate any vagina-haver into unwillingly becoming madly in love WITH YOU, STUD! This stuff is older than consent (lucky for us!) and we’re ready to force this on you!

Our potent concoction recreates her father’s musk while synthesizing with a bunch of other shit that makes chicks MAD HORNY! This soap is the easiest way to ask, “Who’s your daddy?” without saying a word! Don’t ever be mistaken for some patchy bearded brony incel again! Your intelligence is unmatched, why don’t you SMELL LIKE IT!

• Mat Georgevich, The Terminal Times

What was at first considered to be a cheerful nature sound is discovered to be a cry for the end of human civilization. Scientists have discovered that birdsongs are actually heartfelt cries to their god to “rain down fire-poop on the humans.” 

One particularly zealous robin is quoted saying that, “Every white-stained car windshield is our offering to you, O Egg-Selent One.” This was the same robin who was overheard speaking with a wood-pecker saying, “We have to destroy them. We have lost too many great birds to their disease and thoroughly-cleaned windows.”

“Despite nearly perfect eyesight, eagles turned a blind eye to our strife, and chickens don’t have the courage to do what needs to be done,” one redbird was translated singing, “the only cardinal virtue we will exercise is revenge.”

These messages were translated and carried by pigeons back to scientists at the University of Minnesota. The pigeons have warned researchers of the growing anti-human sentiment in the bird population, but states pigeons will remain loyal to humans “as long as you keep dropping food.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

“Sorry, I just got done going Live,” says Instagram Fitness Superstar Ashley “Thigh Gap” Gunderson, “My followers just can’t get enough of me. But can you blame them?”

We met Gunderson at one of her homes in Hollywood Hills, “Yes, my other home is about 3 miles downhill, so I can run to it, grab a bottle of purified water, and run back for a tight 6 miles.”

When asked what the secret to her success is, she responds, “Honestly, diet and exercise. Also having more than 45% of the world’s wealth doesn’t hurt.”

For food, she says her diet is all organic. “Oh, yeah, I only eat meat that has lived a USDA-Certified-fulfilled life. I always tell my followers a contented pig gets that booty big.”

She also eats an ancient energy-boosting root called Maca, “Yes, I buy it locally. Sure, you can buy it online, but I prefer to have the Ecuadorian farmer who makes $1.50-a-year dodge the border guards to deliver it to me personally.”

When asked if her body is achievable for others, she replies, “Of course! Am I rich enough to genetically clone Gal Gadot and put my consciousness in that body? Of course! But that doesn’t make this any less achievable.”

“Yeah, a lot of my followers have children, school, jobs, but I always say that your number one job is to take care of your body. That’s what I did! And I’m rich.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Twenty-one years after its initial release, “Tony Hawk: Pro Skater” is back! The remastered video game classic allows gamers to play as 52 year old Tony Hawk, 53 year old Rodney Mullen, or 40 year old washed up “Jackass” star Bam Margera.

As Tony Hawk or Rodney Mullen, gamers can simulate the lives of aging skateboarders, with exciting new features such as teaching your kids how to skateboard, going to the grocery store and cleaning the garage. As Bam Margera, players can get sober, go vegan and mow the lawn. 

“Helmets are required this time,” said developer Karthik Bala. “No skateboarding on private property, either. We don’t want to upset the neighbors.”

Online downloadable content includes blood pressure medication, knee braces, and an all new “rocking chair mode” for hardcore simulation gamers. 

In the final levels, the remaster allows your characters to hang out in the living room and play the original Tony Hawk: Pro Skater, reminiscing about how great of a skateboarder you used to be. 

• The Terminal Times

Tensions were high today after baby Hobbs’ nose was held for ransom by his father, Dadda. In one quick movement, Dadda declared, “Oop, got your nose!” and Hobbs was robbed of what he held most dear. Hobbs demanded an immediate release of his nose, stating he will meet any of the kidnapper’s demands.

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want,” Hobbs said, recounting his words to the kidnapper, “but if you are looking for ransom, I don’t have money. What I do have is a very specific set of skills, and if you do not return my nose, I will vomit on your smartphone and turn myself into a human diarrhea machine.”

The nose was returned shortly after issuing this statement. Hobbs’ lawyer stated he will not be pressing charges despite his client have sustained, “multiple psychological boo-boo’s,” because of the incident. 

The kidnapper got off with a slap on the wrist – one week of diaper duty. Hobbs vowed to make him remember the upcoming week.

“I didn’t do it for me,” said Hobbs after his nose was returned, “I did it for all the other babies who have had their noses taken, or lost a loved one to peak-a-boo, or for the kids who were told ‘here comes the plane,’ when it was, in fact, not a plane but a spoonful of soft squash.” 

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Developing a daily schedule is an essential aspect of mental health maintenance in these unprecedented times. Through anecdotal research, we’ve set up a healthy, balanced schedule just for you!

• 2:29am – Set alarm for 10:00am
• 2:30am – Check Twitter. Last time. Set phone down for bed.
• 2:32am – Can’t sleep. Back to Twitter
• 2:33am – Change alarm to 12:00pm
• 3:12am – Fall asleep halfway through your 7th alligator wrestling video

• 12:00pm – Wake up. Get water (beer)

• 3:12pm – Wonder where the day has went
• 3:13pm – Decide you can turn the day around
• 3:14pm – Get into leather work

• 4:00pm – Decide leather work is too much work
• 4:01pm – Make easy Mac (the hard way)
• 4:30pm – Deactivate social media
• 5:30pm – Reactivate, brag about deactivation
• 6:15pm – Text that ex you said you’d never talk to again
• 6:45pm – Respond to spam emails
• 9:30pm – Ask your sleeping roommate for a rent extension

• 9:45pm – Start “Tiger King” on Netflix
• 2:00am – Set alarm for 10am

Repeat every day until the quarantine is over.

• The Terminal Times