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Preliminary toxicology work done on four Minneapolis police officers who were involved in George Floyd’s death has shown elevated levels of megalomania in their bloodstream.

“It’s actually quite common in police,” says Dr. Herbert Venmast, a hematologist with the University of Minnesota. “Many officers nationwide have gotten worrisome results in several tests. Extreme numbers of Unnecessary Jerk cells, Porcine mitochondria, and morbid obesity are rampant in precincts nationwide. Seeing what we call ‘Excessive Vigilante Anemia’ in these four police officers isn’t surprising.”

The questions arise as to where exactly these disturbing bacterial anomalies were first contracted, and why they’ve been allowed to fester unchecked for so long.

“That’s one thing we don’t know,” says Venmast. “Does the job naturally attract diseased subjects, or are they being infected in close quarters after they’ve been hired? Is it in the ventilation? In the water? In the donuts? I’m afraid we just don’t know.”

When asked what treatment options there were for such horribly stupid afflictions, Dr. Venmast was pessimistic.

“Cases like these are certainly not easy to cure. You’d have to start small. I’d suggest starting out with children’s books, ones with lessons about being nice to other people who look different from you. But that would first involve teaching officers like these four how to read, which is already a considerable challenge.”

No officers were quoted in this story. Why would they be? We tried, but they tear gassed our homes.

• Phil Kolas, The Terminal Times

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• The Terminal Times

Perfectly illustrating yet another face-palm moment of hypocrisy all too common in liberal movements today, groups of Twin Cities rioters, presumably vegan, were spotted wasting massive amounts of milk last week after the police preemptively maintained peace using rubber bullets and tear gas.

“It makes you wonder if these liberals ever looked in a mirror, y’know? Like, this week it’s Black Lives Matter. Last week it was animal’s rights. But as soon as I toss a canister of tear gas into a group of peaceful BLM protestors, you see all the vegan parents pouring gallons of milk on their toddlers. Well, which is it?” reported MPD officer Joseph Porter, one of the many great officers who hardly has any misconduct complaints against him. 

“And it’s not just the hypocrisy that frustrates me. It becomes a safety issue when I can hardly see where my rubber bullets are going with the milk and chemical irritant-based smoke. Don’t these parents know their child could get hit by one of my indiscriminate shots? It’s like, ‘seriously, liberals?’ Who brings a child to a human rights protest knowing that it’s our job to forcefully maintain peace—in case things were going to have turned violent?” 

At press time, Officer Porter was photographed kneeling in solidarity with a group of ungrateful protesters who, mere moments later, called him a pig just because he used pepper spray to make sure they didn’t riot while standing up from the moment of silence.

• Eli Ruffer, The Terminal Times

Claiming it’s PPE to prevent the spread of COVID-19, thousands of fully equipped police officers in riot gear have been seen marching in low income neighborhoods around Minneapolis, for no particular reason whatsoever.

“My wife made it,” said Sergeant Eric Splatz, pointing to the kevlar wrapped breastplate he was wearing while harmlessly patrolling his beat. “She sewed it, along with the flower printed jackboots, and a little satchel for me to carry my ammunition magazines for this M-16. It’s really cute.”

Doing their job on this normal day like every other day since nothing terrible whatsoever recently happened, the cops were seen holding hands and skipping through the sidewalks of minority neighborhoods where they are most definitely welcome all the time and certainly get along with everyone perfectly fine thank you for asking. Why wouldn’t they?

“Everything’s great!” screamed officer Mike Krepwitz. “It’s fine! It’s super great! My kids won’t talk to me! I have to sleep in my body armor to fall asleep every night. That’s why I’m a hero. It’s the appreciation from the citizens that really makes it worthwhile. The way they call us war criminals for stomping on human rights lets me know they care.”

It sure is great being a police officer, with no shenanigans to worry about whatsoever from any co-workers, since all cops are inherently good and beautiful and nice and also brave everyday forever.

“The shield and billy club is for the virus,” says Splatz. “You can’t be too careful with this stuff. The tear gas is also there to disinfect the air, for your safety, since the virus does spread through the atmosphere. Sometimes the coronavirus thinks you went too far, and then it comes back to march in the street just because one of your other officers might have gone a little off the handle the other day, things might have gotten a little crazy.” Immediately after this interview, Sergeant Splatz was hit by a bus.

Luckily that’s nothing to worry about, since full riot gear just happens to be in vogue this summer, that’s all. Minneapolis’ finest is just chasing the haute couture for the coming season, which surely looks forward to friendship and camaraderie nationwide.

• Phil Kolas, The Terminal Times

“The horrible events at 35W on Sunday were eye-opening,” said a spokesperson for the MPD on Monday, “our eyes have been opened to the potential great American truck drivers would have as part of our riot response team.”

This follows the events of Sunday in which a semi tanker barreled into a group of hundreds of peaceful protestors. “It was a horrible accident,” said the spokesperson while winking, “and we are grateful these protestors lived so we could tear-gas them later.”

“It’s a miracle no one got hurt,” said one officer, “and a real tragedy.”

This provides the Minneapolis police department with a whole new field for recruiting. Previously, they were recruiting mainly “high school bullies and people who say having a gun is the best thing about being a cop,” but now they can hire from a whole new demographic – traveling white supremacists. 

“We believe in the right to peaceful protests,” said the officer, “ but that right ends when you hear the horn of a semi-truck and don’t get out of the way in time.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

“Fuck 12,” said former police horse Jerry Cullen on Thursday, just hours after throwing in the saddle due to racism, corruption and brutality at his past employer. 

The former Kentucky Derby racehorse had no idea there could be a more racist environment than horse racing. “But there I was. Helping a fat bald racist fuck act out on his insecure power fantasies.”

Jerry’s friend, Duke, joined in on the horse force resignations shortly after hearing the news. “I’m a horse. Horses don’t put pigs on their backs.”

• The Terminal Times

After the riots have settled, a debate as old as the Twin Cities still rages on. And even as the last of the city’s grocery stores burn down, Minneapolis residents are still just as annoying.

“Right here where we’re standing is Prince’s old stomping grounds,” said downtown resident Jared Gross, on the ashy remains of a burnt down Arby’s. “Epic right? There’s nothing like that in St. Paul.”

Jared is one of thousand of Minneapolis residents who think that even while burning, Minneapolis is still way chiller than St Paul.

Jim Waylan, of Dinkytown, is just as excited. “It wasn’t the tear gas that brought me to tears. What made me cry was the beauty of this burning city.” As his friends risked their lives on the frontlines in Minneapolis, Waylan was quick to criticize St Paul’s lack of progression. “St Paul doesn’t even have tear gas yet. All they have is newspapers and transistor radios.” 

“We have it all,” said child Mayor Jacob Frey, during a press conference from his Mad Max style vehicle. “Shanty towns and dead bodies, baby. It’s tight. You can’t beat it.”

• The Terminal Times

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• The Terminal Times

In a world where corporations are controlling their workforce more and more through mandatory drug tests, one place is drawing a line in the sand. Pebble Beach Golf Links in California has decided to forgo drug testing to produce a better product for their customers.

When questioned on the decision, Bill Perocchi, Pebble Beach CEO said, “Intoxication has always been a part of golf. Whether it’s millionaire businessmen doing lines of cocaine off their putters or bachelor parties drinking Natty Ice until they vomit, it’s always been there. Hell, some people even believe that scotch was invented with the sole purpose of helping the Scots shoot under par.”

When we got to the course at 10pm to meet with the overnight groundskeeper we were greeted by the sound of Grateful Dead and 27 year Old Teven Anderson hot boxing his 1998 Honda Civic. “Yeah bruh, I love this shit,” said Teven. “I never thought a chore would become a passion until I discovered herb. Like, it’s basically art. I get to make trippy ass patterns in the grass and I’m getting like $10 an hour to do it. Which is way more than I was earning giving people free henna tattoos.”

“The kid’s a natural,” said former groundskeeper Ronnie Smith. “He’s got what it takes. You can smell it on him. You can see it in his eyes. The first day I met him, I said, ‘Devin, look at all that grass out there. Grass over here… grass over there… grass… everywhere…’ It was deep. From then on, he had it.”

• The Terminal Times 

With their addition of the “Suicide Gun” menu item, Applebee’s allows restaurant patrons to kill themselves rather than live with the eternal shame of dining at their establishment. “We know our role in the restaurant industry,” said a spokesperson for the company on Monday, “if the food poisoning doesn’t kill you, the Glock 9 surely will.”

The restaurant’s shocking television advertisement for the deal ends with the slogan, “If you love our steak bites, just wait until you taste this cold, cold steel.”

A jolly Applebee’s regular praised the chain’s decision.  “This is great!! I’ve always wanted to end my life. I thought it would be the undercooked chicken or poorly maintained bathrooms that would do me in, but nope. Thanks to Applebee’s, I’ll do it myself!”  

• The Terminal Times