Category: Uncategorized

“While I’m doing it, I blackout. And not in a racist way, either.”

Jim Smith, Local Hero

“The whole world is rubbish, innit?” said Nibbles, a squirrel with a British accent, before racing around aimlessly for a few minutes and then freezing in his tracks – body still, only moving his head and eyes. What is he looking at? 

Zoologists say squirrels run around for a bit before completely stopping to camouflage themselves from predators – but Nibbles claims to stop when he needs a moment to think about the futility of life. 

“Things seem a bit wonky, aye? I run round, scroungin’ for nuts, boffin me wife. But why?”

Do you know why Nibbles exists? If so, he’s searching for answers. And those answers don’t come to you from the inside of a tasty acorn. They come to you from the nuts of your soul.

• The Terminal Times

Terminal Times,

Who the crap gave you the rights to keep running this show? Dogs in suits? You really thought that was a good idea?

Thanks,
Jerry’s Lawncare, Plymouth MN

Chuck has often worried about the future of our country, and the recent interaction he had with this kid is not inspiring. “I hate to be one to break it to you,” he said to the boy’s mother, “but this kid is dumb.”

For Chuck, this comes as another proof that the next generation is “painfully stupid.” 

“Literally, this kid doesn’t know ANYONE. Scottie Pippin, Lebron, Joe Rogan, I can do this all day but the kid is really shitting the bed on this one,” he said in a statement to no one in particular, “All he knows is Spider-Man, but can’t even NAME the guy who made him.”

This validates his theory that ever generation got stupider after his. “Not to mention,” he went on, “he’s so fucking lazy – all he does is play with toy cars – not even REAL cars.”

“We’re losing all the real skills that we need, this kid doesn’t even know how to drive STICK,” he screamed at the mother, “when I asked him if he could drive stick, he started talking about TREES.”

This comes fresh off last Christmas where he publicly whipped a mall Santa Clause for “giving hand-outs to these kids who’ve never worked a day in there lives.”

Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

After 9 DUIs and multiple stints in and out of rehab, Hollywood won’t cast one struggling volleyball.

“I went to NYU expecting to become something great. They had me on Broadway. They had me in that Verizon Wireless commercial. I never knew the heroin needle would be so quick to deflate me.”

Shortly after his casting in Cast Away, Wilson married a softball from the movie “Girls With Balls,” before slowly descending into madness. Since 2009, he’s been a constant feature on TMZ and gossip magazines worldwide.

“He was a remarkable talent,” said director Robert Zumekis, “but as soon as he started hanging out with Charlie Sheen, it was over.” In 2017, Wilson was caught by paparazzi with Sheen accosting prostitutes outside of a Los Angeles motel.

Will volleyball ever come back? Hopefully. But for now, he’s just a drifter- barely floating, with Tom Hanks, in the sea.

• The Terminal Times

Racism, get ready to meet your maker! Fresh off a recent share of a DEVASTATING Ben Shapiro video that dismantled systematic racism, Chuck has finally done what America has not been able to do for hundreds of years – solve racism.

On Monday, Chuck shocked the world by posting a simple-yet-beautiful solution in a quote pasted on top of a picture of Morgan Freeman. The quote read, “If we all treat each other with respect, racism will end.” 

He didn’t stop there. Chuck went on to explain that millions of protestors should just “GROW UP” and realize the REAL police brutality is the “THOUGHT POLICE brutalizing our freedoms in the lamestream media.”

Chuck has often spoken out against “Leftist political cults” like Black Lives Matter. “I believe Black Lives Exist. But why do we have to politicize it by saying they Matter too?” he asked in his post. What he despises most about the liberal media is that it “tries to get us to hate the very thing our country was built on – white male rage.”

“The end of racism is really just as simple as everyone agreeing with me,” he said. He hopes that one day America will return to its good Christian roots. When asked if he believed the police should be abolished, he responded, “ABOLISHED? NO WAY. Remember the last time this country abolished something? How did THAT turn out?”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Marine biologists at Florida State University gave ACT and SAT exams to a school of fifteen hundred red groupers last week, and the results were nothing short of jaws-dropping. In contrast to dolphins, who scored in the top 1 percentile on marine life intelligence tests, the groupers are dumb as shit. The school is on the verge of losing state funding if they don’t double their arithmetic scores by next semester.

At press time, the leader of the Groupers Union explained: “one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. I teach well, but they don’t learn shit.”

• The Terminal Times

In a totally lame turn of events, little sprouts aren’t allowed to toot their sweet little cloud puffers any more, dude.

A sleaze chunk of bad types called “politicians,” I guess, decided that little squawks up to the age of 5 years are prohibited from getting their voop on with pacifiers, leading to a vapepocalypse of epic proportions.

“It’s not fair,” says local cloud chaser Zardoz Kumquat, legal name. “I was all set for my baby Popcorn Lung. We named him that because we thought it sounded so cute, just like him. I had gotten Baby’s First Fingerless Gloves and everything.”

There are plans for vapelyfe gods to get together and ride the mist into some legislative changes to fight for their rights to give their babies their own personal tiny tootle puffers, but that trip has its own challenges, as none of the vooper are registered to vote, and most don’t know how to read. Vooperbaiting.

“It’s like the tankinistas I met at the Gathering of the Juggalos always say: ‘It’s better to vape on your feet than breathe on your knees.’ I don’t know what else I can to do, I just know I have to do something. Otherwise we’re never going to be able to make the baby’s room smell like burnt pancakes.”

• Phil Kolas, The Terminal Times

The American people vowed Never to Forget, and the Commander in Chief is reminding his citizens to do just that. On Tuesday, he tweeted a picture of the crumbling Twin Towers, with the caption: “Just watched the video. The towers fell harder than the plane pushed them. Could be a setup?” 

He stated he suspected the towers were “definitely doing something antifa-related” before the planes decked them. “Wasn’t it obvious?” he said in a follow-up tweet, “it was called the WORLD Trade Center? Why not AMERICA Trade Center? America Trade Center is a beautiful, beautiful, perfect name and not the name of an antifa-associated name like WORLD.”

“I mean, you certainly don’t see Trump Tower getting pushed like that,” he concluded. 

Several US Officials could be found for comment but instead decided to pretend as if they’ve never heard of President Trump. 

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Google announced today that it will be rolling out Google Meat, the latest addition to Google’s G Suite platform.

“The world is changing, and Google wants to do everything it can to help our users through these trying times,” said Javier Soltero, VP of G Suite. “A bit of vitamin D,” he added. “If you know what I mean…”

The new platform comes as Google’s response to wildly popular online video chats such as Chatroulette, Tinychat, and Omegle. G Suite users can expect to see G Meat fully operational by early July.

• Sam Dicke, The Terminal Times