13 year old conspiracy theory fan Andrew Blakely, suffering from Stage IV brain cancer, has had his Make-A-Wish granted by the invisible cabal that controls the world to have the next round of political appointments revealed to him before his impending death, says the Associated Press.
“This is a great PR move,” says Agent X, an unknowable hidden figure who was quoted in a parking garage sometime after midnight. “Since granting President Trump a secret lifetime appointment has been met with such recent complaining from The Herd, this is the Illuminati’s chance to really show the blind sheep of the populace that we’ve actually been on their side all along, we know what’s best for you, and most importantly that we have a heart.”
Make-A-Wish representative Glen Franl says that granting this wish had it’s own share of logistical and legal challenges to overcome in order to complete this request.
“It was one of the scariest encounters of my life. I was grabbed by strange men who leapt out of a black van on my way to work. They had Andrew as well. They put both our heads in black bags, and we were brought to an abandoned farm. There the revelations were made to Andrew, and I was granted one phone call to my boss at Make-A-Wish, confirming the wish had been fulfilled. I was then knocked unconscious and awoke back at my desk late that same night.”
Franl later added, “I fully expect to die under questionable circumstances sometime after this article goes to print.”
After it was all over, Blakely says the event is one he’ll remember for the rest of his short life.
“Oh dude, it was awesome. First, the president eats a [REDACTED], then he [REDACTED], live on national television, in a top hat made of human [REDACTED]. Then when [REDACTED] invades, the NRA gets laws passed allowing guns in hospitals for some reason, and everything really goes fucking nuts.”
Also mentioned were violent conclusions to the global warming crisis, food shortages, impending race wars, and underground bunkers maintained for the world’s oligarchy to survive the oncoming cataclysms.
“I’m so glad I won’t have to be around for any of that shit,” Blakely added.
Pamela Walters is drunk off her ass due to the traumas of dealing with quarantined children. “They’re like chimps,” she told reporters with a wine glass in hand. “If chimps could use words to annoy the living crap out of you.”
Pamela is one of thousands of moms using wine and cocktails to get shitfaced enough to tolerate their quarantined families.
“One more sandwich on the ground and I’m selling the dog!” yelled Pamela in the background of our Zoom interview, while kids and pets ran around her room like a “goddamn zoo.”
Pamela will be sober again when she’s older. But for now, she’s just got whining kids, day wine in hand, and champagne for when it’s all over.
After several weeks of intense labor negotiations, the employee’s union for Amazon workers announced they have won a hard fought battle to grant three piss jars for every employee per shift at all Amazon distribution centers nationwide.
“It was a tough fight,” says union representative Blake Coulson. “We had a lot of back-and-forth on it. We were forced to give up the right to have bowel movements on the premises, but in the end we decided that you could hold a number 2. But when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. The only other suggestion we came up with were plastic urethral clips, to try and stem the tide for 8 hours. But after a few cases of ruptured bladders that really cut into our productivity – what with cleaning up the inevitable urine mess and removing the dead bodies due to all the internal bleeding – we just decided that the micturition canisters were the way to go.”
The development has been met with approval by several Amazon delivery employees, who hope the new waste benefits are a sign of more significant rewards to come.
“I’m happy with the whole thing,” says Amazon package specialist Troy Wakeman. “For so long I’ve been going in the bulk stockpile of copies of ’50 Shades of Gray’ books we’ve got kept in the northeast back corner, but the smell was starting to get real bad. My clothes smell like piss all the time. My children won’t even hug me when I come home from work anymore. So yeah, this is a good thing, as far as I’m concerned. Hopefully at the next round of negotiations we can win a lunch break with real food. These I.V. fluids they have us hooked up to all day so we don’t have to stop to eat are really clumsy.”
The move was also heralded by CEO Jeff Bezos as a high-water mark for worker’s dignity and staff/management relations.
“With these new worker’s contracts, Amazon proves that it’s committed to it’s motto of ‘Work hard, have fun, make history.’ Employees are now fully entitled to safely drain the snake on the go during their shifts up to and including three times, with our new portable urinary receptacles, which will also allow them to get back to the job they love so much, with no loss of efficiency in getting the packages to the customer on time in the breakneck speed with no regard to human frailty, personal respect, or possibility of mortality that the world has come to expect from us here at Amazon.” Later adding, “during this interview I’ve made enough money to buy new water pipes for Flint, Michigan three times over.”
According to a recent report by Bear News Weekly, a grizzly bear from Casper, Wyoming woke up from hibernation on Saturday night to “fuck up a beehive.”
The bear was spotted antagonizing the bees with a pistol while wearing a ski mask and and bulletproof vest. Investigators suspect honey may have been involved in the incident.
Shortly after announcing his 2020 Presidential Bid, superstar bipolar victim Kanye West shares his campaign slogan on Twitter: “Take It YEEZY.”
This comes after some deliberation of another strong slogan: “Sure, Why the Fuck Not?” In a recent tweet, Kanye declared that, “JESUS IS KING BUT IMMA BE PRESIDENT.”
Known by conservatives as Donald Trump’s one black friend, Kanye threatens to take the much-contested “who-even-cares-anymore” vote. This will not only be Kanye’s first time running for President, but also his first time voting. “I’m completely against the mail-in ballots,” he said an interview on Saturday, “we need more female-in ballots and that’s why I’m running.”
He also took the opportunity to announce his running mate as a pair of YEEZY boosts.
Many American racists are feeling the pressure to conform to a new wave of “anti-racism” or “human decency” that is sweeping the country. Many who have lived their entire lives this way are getting nervous by how they’re being portrayed in the media.
“The lamestream media wants to brainwash people,” says self-professed “not racist” Paul Hertz who talks about “black-on-black” crime constantly, “just because we don’t believe all people are equal doesn’t mean WE should be treated like crap. That’s kind of the point.”
Many are protesting Orange County’s renaming of the John Wayne airport after a Playboy article resurfaced about him saying that he is “for white supremacy.”
“John Wayne would be appalled to see his comments so publically disdained,” said 60-year-old Carin Phillips, “Try to remember that racism was quite fashionable in 1971 so how could you hold that against him? That was just 5 years after the end of the Civil War.”
“I cannot believe we are erasing history like this,” said Paul in a Facebook post, “What’s next? Am I gonna have to rename David my kid just because there have been bad David’s? Well, you just tell those libtards that THEY will have to tell David Duke Hertz that he’s gotta change his name but that forehead tattoo is NOT coming off.”
“I just hate that they’re making us look bad,” Paul continued, “Like, if you’re gonna quote us, just don’t use the stuff that sounds racist, okay?”
I had just written a screenplay, which I wanted to be published into a movie or a play, so I go by the Guthrie Theater and I told them that I wrote a screenplay called, Return of the Living Dead Fetuses, which is about a girl who gives herself an abortion by sticking a coat hanger up her twat and then a minister from a Baptist Church finds out in which he performs an exorcism at the scene of the abortion in which he then goes into a trance and he jerks off on the remains of the aborted fetus! After I described my screenplay, they tell me that they are not interested and this was while the Little House on the Prairie play was going on, so I then go on to tell them that in my previous life, I was Laura Ingalls Wilder and I told them that I couldn’t afford to see the play and I asked them if they could give me a free ticket and they refused to give me a free ticket!
These uptight theaters! I am so sick and tired of these motherfuckers with a stick up their ass and all their fucking bullshit! Someone told me if I lived in Los Angeles, I would have a good chance to get it published, so I said fuck this shit, I’m moving to Los Angeles, so I go online to check out the rents and the rents for apartments are fucking horrible. Those greedy, money-grubbing scumfuck landlords! I can’t take this fucking shit anymore! I then found out that Sheldon Cooper was looking for a roommate, but I would be living with 3 other guys, but at least the rent would be reasonable and I could take my cat with! The problem is I don’t get along with people very good and things turned to shit very quickly and I thought that Sheldon would work out good because he has Asperger’s and they made a TV show about him called Big Bang Theory! Well, what happened is I was smelling my cat’s ears at the same end of the couch and time that he likes to eat his breakfast and I told him that I really enjoy smelling the cat’s ears, especially when a bunch of brown stuff gets on my nose and he said “what is wrong with you” and then we got into a big fight and he threw me out and where the fuck am I going to live now?
It turns out that Penny, the girl who lived across the hall moved out and they decided to convert her apartment to section 8 and I was able to move in there! What happened is Penny decided to drop a few hits of acid and then GG Allin appeared and he said, “I would love to have a bowel movement on you baby”, so she rubbed excrement all over herself and the walls of her apartment, while she masturbated and when her landlord came in, she was evicted for having shit smeared all over her apartment! When I came into look at the apartment, I told them that it smells like shit in here and they told me “don’t worry, we’ll fumigate it and sanitize it before you move in!” I was so happy, I found my own apartment in Los Angeles with affordable rent!
Sheldon apologized for the way that he treated me and he admitted that he was plenty of habits that would drive people crazy, like he likes to keep logs of his bowel movements! I showed Sheldon my spoken words and he absolutely loved them and he loved my Return of the Living Dead fetuses story and I told him that some 1 told me that in Los Angeles, I have a very good chance of that screenplay getting made into a theatrical production and he told me that whoever told me that told me a bunch of fucking bullshit! He told me that they are having a contest for the most vulgar, but creative writer in New York at the same time that he would be attending a Star Trek convention! I said, there ain’t a place in New York that I could afford to stay and he told me that he knows this guy, his name is Mike Stivic and he lives out in Queens and me and him could stay with him, but he ain’t sure if things would work out with his father in-law and as you know that New York is a very liberal city and during the last presidential election, there is only 1 person who voted for Donald Trump and that person is Archie Bunker!
When I get there, Archie Bunker asked me, “what brings you to New Yawk” and I told him that contest going on for the most vulgar, but creative writer and I told him about my Return of the Living Dead Fetuses play and I told him about the girl who gives herself and abortion by sticking a coat hanger up her twat and a minister performs and exorcism at the scene of the abortion and jerks off on the remains of the aborted fetuses and then Archie went fucking apeshit and he said, “you are a sick weirdo! This is a Christian home that believes in family values; get the fuck out of my house!” Archie then went on to call me a “sick fuck”! Edith, his wife, then said, “Pat, I need to tawk to you”. Edith said, “please don’t tawk about aboations and jawking off on the abowted fetus in front of Aatchie!” I said “fuck that shit, I ain’t giving up my freedom of speech” and Edith said, “Aacthie could throw you out and you know how expensive it is here in New Yawk? I want to see you get your Spowken wowwds published!
If that’s not enough, Sheldon told Mike that he wasn’t feeling very well and he told Mike that he had an upset stomach and he told him that he was shitting out diarrhea and he mentioned that he was suffering from so much anxiety and he told Mike that it was all Archie Bunker’s fault that he ended up getting diarrhea because of all the anxiety that he caused him and Mike said, “I can understand how being with Archie can cause you to get diarrhea”! Edith then said, “Sheldon would it make you feel any better if I gave you some cawwfee?” Sheldon said, “the last time I had some coffee, I lost control of my bowels and I ended up shitting out diarrhea in my pants!” Edith then said, “maybe it would be a good idea that you don’t have any.” At that point, Sheldon felt more horrible pains in his abdominal area and he had to run to the bathroom to shit out more diarrhea. As soon as Sheldon was done shitting out his diarrhea, he went on to mention, “I like to keep logs of what my bowel movements are like, but I forgot to take it on this trip. I hope that I remember to mention that my diarrhea looked like it had yellow ribbons floating in it with white bubbles in the middle of it!” Archie said, “weirdo, the world doesn’t want to hear about your loose repulsive stools and the meathead said, “Archie, Pat and Sheldon are on the autism spectrum and they will say things at times that are inappropriate. Now what’s your excuse Arch?” Archie said, “back in my day, there was no such thing as awwtism as weirdos like you were locked in a wubba room, where you’s belong and don’t you shit out anymore diarrhea in my terlet! I want these weirdos to get the fuck out of my house!” Mike, Sheldon and I decided to go out for awhile figuring that the best thing to do is get away from Archie for awhile.
When we return, we opened the door and we saw Archie completely naked with his legs spread with his penis pressed up against his chair and he had a plastic penis stuck up his ass! Sheldon said, “I haven’t seen anything this revolting since my cousin lost control of his bowels in a swimming pool and we saw worms crawling around in his stool! Edith came home a few minutes later and Mike said, “Edith, do you know that your husband, Mr. Family Values enjoys sticking dildos up his but” and Edith said, “oh yea” and Archie said, “put a lid on it Edith!” Then Edith said “Mike, what’s a dildo? Aachie said that he puts those things up his bungole because it gives him relief from his hemoroids” and Archie said, “Edith, stiffle!” Sheldon forgot that Archie was naked with his penis pressed up against his chair, so he sat in it and then Edith came running into the room and she said, “Aachie, why is there spawm all over your chair? Sheldon abruptly got up and he noticed that his pants had a bunch of sticky stuff all over them and he said, “oh dear lord, I am going to have to have a haz mat team to disinfect my pants!” Well, I got my Return of the Living Dead Fetuses story published I got paid millions of dollars for it and I am so happy!
The Boss is back! For more than 40 years, we’ve known Bruce Springsteen as an all-American, working man’s artist but he truly outdoes himself with this one. His newest album enigmatically called “ Beef Highway” includes 7 full tracks of different cheeseburgers being ground up in a Ford-made V8 engine.
Always pushing himself, Springsteen states that he did this album because he “wanted to do something I’ve never done before.” He relays the moment of inspiration, “I was working on my car while eating a cheeseburger, it fell in, and I was blown away by its story.”
“It’s the most American thing we’ve heard in decades,” writes the Rolling Stones Magazine, “It sounds like someone put John Wayne’s ashes in a freedom cannon and fired it at a bald eagle. I cried.”
And for the gluten intolerant, Springsteen provides a 13 minute interlude where he whispers, “Big Mac is the new (gluten free) American pie.”
It’s a journey he takes all of his listeners on for a solid 118 minutes of all-American ground beef and heartache. Metacritic is calling this album, “Timely, triumphant and …uh, interesting.” Metacritic also wrote that it is, “at least his meatiest album yet.”
As employees meat-packing plants get laid off and the auto industry is shipped oversees, Springsteen gives these forlorn workers an anthem of hope. As for us, we are just waiting for the other burger to drop.
The Terminal Times 