Category: Uncategorized

When we arrived at the Holy Gates located on Cloud 9 we were welcomed to the sight of Our Lord and Savior leaning over his desk, stammering to himself while loading a shotgun. “He is 30 and still living at home. I gave Pontius 30 donkeys with the guarantee that ‘my problem’ would be taken care of. Now I’ve got a whole new religion to deal with.”

God was distraught with the news that his disowned son was able to return just three days after being stabbed repeatedly by his Roman puppets. Riding off in his chariot of fire, he muttered, “I knew I should’ve hired a Jew.”

• The Terminal Times

Look out, snowflakes! Fast-talking, liberal-smoking Ben Shapiro just got a lot more dangerous. Conservative podcaster and self-proclaimed “debunker debutante,” Shapiro is prepared to up the ante on his de-bunking of liberal myths like systemic racism, the necessity of healthcare, and the existence of Black people.

He will now begin to speak 1.5x faster than he normally does which many speculate will lead to an increase in sharing of his videos as fewer people will be able to actually hear him make his arguments.

“Medicare for All?” he in a voice almost too fast to be audible, “That’s ridiculous. We can’t have Medicare for All if All Lives Don’t Matter which is explicitly what Black Lives Matter says in their graffiti statements.”

His last college address was just a 15-minute screech in which he discussed hundreds of topics, including BLM. He left the entire campus’ liberals demolished and every local dog with bleeding ears. “Black Lives Matter is a ridiculous statement because it insinuates that people of a certain color matter when in fact we know that the only thing that makes a person matter is how matter-of-factly you present your argument and how quickly you can do so before someone can catch everything you just said.”

He also spouted off on gender, “There are two genders. Fast and slow.” One of the more shocking revelations was that he revealed himself to be pro-choice. “Of course I’m pro-choice. It’s ridiculous that someone would think I’m not. You can CHOOSE to agree with me or CHOOSE to be labeled as an idiot by literally every educated person in existence.” 

The video has already been shared over 64 thousand times and liberals everywhere are crying out in defeat.

Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

“Please, shut the fuck up,” said CDC Robert Redfield in a recent statement, “We’re starting to require masks, but pretty soon we’re going to require gags.”

This comes on the heels of intense social media debate over whether or not a cloth mask will poison you on your own carbon dioxide. Despite virtually every expert saying this is a nonsense theory, thousands of Americans, armed with a 4-minute PragerU video and hours of alone time, stormed social media to demand the freedom to go to Wal-Mart with open, uncovered mouths. 

“I’m a self-described mouth-breather and if Wal-Mart Employees can’t see my tonsils while I’m screaming at them, how will they know I mean business?” asks local Wal-Mart connoisseur Casey Hill. “If they make me wear a mask, what’s next? Pants?! Shirt? Shoes?!” 

Casey isn’t alone in feeling the oppressive boot of public health ordinances. Valarie Skuggs, frequent intoxicated-driver and forest-fire-starter, states that this is just another way “white culture is being suppressed.” 

“White people have already been through so much,” she says, “first we had to watch Black Panther, then Crazy Rich Asians, and now THIS?!”

In response to the social media backlash, Dr. Fauci gave Americans a strict warning, “If you keep this up, you’re going to lose your outside privileges.”

He also recommends that the CDC rule Facebook’s Share Feature as a public health crisis, along with the phrase “WAKE UP PEOPLE.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

These awesome anime characters will knock your socks off!

• The Terminal Times

If you’ve been following social media this week (or the “woke” media as I like to call it), you might’ve heard of voice actors from popular series like The Cleveland Show coming forward and taking responsibility for their actions.

The guy who plays Cleveland is white and that’s pretty messed up. 

This weekend, white actors from the critically acclaimed SPIKE TV game show “MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge” have come clean as well, by apologizing for voicing Japanese characters on their show. 

When approached by reporters, the show creators said, “no one asked, but we delivered.”

• Tido Maldonado, The Terminal Times

“Well, at least she’s in the double digits.”

Seema Nanda, DNC

Just days after Colorado Governor Jared Polis legalized what he calls “stoner shit,” a ma and pop eye drop shop closed its doors for good.

“We’ll have to move to Ohio, or somewhere where they’re more strict about that kind of stuff,” said longtime owner Jerry Adams, “we rely on cops being lame narcs to keep this business afloat.”

Eye drops are a dying industry in legal marijuana states, but on the bright side, there’s hope. Colorado has become the leading manufacturer of hats with pot leaves on them and Pink Floyd stocks are higher than the guys who made them.

• The Terminal Times

In 2006, the International Astronomical Union mislabeled Pluto, deciding it was no longer big enough to be a planet. Which is exactly what you’d expect a bunch of nerdy white men to do. 14 years later, Pluto has had enough.

“Look,” said Pluto, while nervously rotating around the sun, “am I a planet, am I not. I do not care. Call me what you want. All I know is that I’m in love with Uranus.”

• The Terminal Times

Chad leans back in his Hummer Jeep, gazing longingly at a high school football field in Ames, Iowa, and expresses his philosophy between dry coughs, “I’m really tryin’ to Hakuna-Matata this bitch.”

For 23 years Chad has made a lifestyle out of not caring too much about anything but having a good time. “Even if I do test positive for COVID, I’ll just have my dad buy me some clean saliva.” 

After the physician explains that she will be putting a swab “deep into his throat,” he laughs before realizing she’s being serious. “Bro, do you know how gay that looks?” 

“Yeah, it’s weird that I’m getting tested for COVID because I’m pretty sure I’ve got the Coronavirus.” He works as a volunteer “flavor consultant” at a local vape shop, and worries that Coronavirus might affect his career. “My boss said that if I don’t stop coughing on the customers, he’ll kick me out. Which sucks because he’s super close to hiring me, and my dad won’t pay for my weed anymore.”

When asked what he would change about the US’ COVID response, he said he would have them do less testing. “A lot of us have Business 101 tests to re-take at the end of the week, and I don’t need ANOTHER stupid test to study for.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

• The Terminal Times