Category: Uncategorized

Once again, America has ranked #1!

On Monday, a travel blog penned by Tumblr user C0VID_19 went viral. In her review, she declared the United States to be the “best country for viruses in the world.”

“They let us into their homes, let us get to know their children and grandparents,” she wrote, “We felt like part of the family!”

COVID has been visiting the US for several months now and shows no signs of leaving anytime soon. She admitted that she was surprised by the American welcome. “After my friend Ebola got blocked from coming to this country, I thought there was no hope for me, but they’ve actually been very hospitable – I’ve been to nearly every hospital in the country!”

She was blown away by the diverse landscape. “You’ll come for the long-term care facilities and densely-populated cities, but you’ll stay for those sweet, rural towns that make you feel so at-home.” She expressed her surprise that many of the rural Americans “treated me like they’ve known me forever. They think I’m just like my cousin, Flu!”

However, she also made sure to note that the country is not without bigots. Many strains of virus are feeling the negative effects of the hateful rhetoric of Dr. Fauci and other members of the medical community. “Although not as bad as other Western countries,” she wrote, “there is a strong antivirus bias here.”

Overall, COVID recommends relocating to the United States. “They really do welcome you with open arms and let you stay as long as you like!”

C0VID_19’s experiences are even backed by research. A recent study on the US population that over 4.44 million Americans have invited viruses into their lives.

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

As many area restaurants continue to close, Rainforest Café in the Mall of America continues to see a boom in customers, despite offering the worst dining experience possible. 

“People come to our restaurants expecting poor service, wildly overpriced entrees, and a creepy animatronic monkey,” says Chris Spivey, Midwest regional manager for Rainforest Café. “We believe we owe it to our customers to maintain that level of disappointment no matter what’s happening in the world.” 

Customers at the Mall of America location have reported confusingly long wait times for their food, as well as tables only being moderately brushed off between customers. 

“It took me 47 minutes to get my order of Rasta Pasta, and when it arrived my server spilled half of it on the floor,” one customer shared. “The table we sat at still had food on it, and we were seated directly underneath a robot parrot that squawked so loudly we could barely hear each other talk. It feels good to get back to normal, you know?”

Employees have all been instructed to wear face coverings but have been encouraged to still make their disdain for paying customers known through eyerolls and heavy sighs at even the smallest request. 

“Disinterested servers are part of the experience,” said Spivey while texting. “If a customer asks for more ketchup, or complains because they received the wrong order, we want them to still feel bad about inconveniencing the server. After all, we didn’t ask them to eat here.”

In addition, Spivey says that all gift shop items have been marked up by 15 percent, and that Rainforest Café will continue to require all children to lick all toys and animals before putting them back on shelves. 

“We’re doing what we can to help in the fight against COVID-19, but we still want customers to know there is a real chance they can get very, very sick at our restaurants,” Spivey says. “Ultimately, we want people to leave saying, ‘Jesus Christ. We paid $77 for this?’”

• Patrick Strait, The Terminal Times

In a recent statement, Robert Redfield, Head of the CDC, implored hog farmers to start using ham-sanitizer. He argued that “We can’t be too careful. We can’t afford to have another swine flu on our hands.”

While most of the hog farmers have come out in support of the initiative, many of the hogs are protesting. “Bite me, Fauci,” says Sally, a Sioux City sow, “You’re not taking away my mud.” But other pigs have more trust in the new direction. “Look, if we listen to the farmers, I think we’ll be okay,” says Hector, a 180lb hog with dreams of reaching 200lb. “The farmers have done nothing but feed us and shelter us our entire lives. Why wouldn’t we trust them? By the way, has anyone seen my mom? It’s been 3 years, just thought I would ask.”

“You can force-feed us, suffocate us, traumatize us, and eventually kill us for breakfast food, but I will NOT be sanitized,” Sally chants to a crowd of like-minded farm animals, “We will NOT be like the sheep.”

Dr. Fauci backed the new direction, saying,  “We’re going to start asking Americans to care for their pigs. Then we’ll move on to the children.” 

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

“This virus got me fucked up, bro,” recounts a clearly high Chester Handling of Toledo, Ohio. “Like for real dog, this shit is wack. I haven’t missed a festi’ with the ‘family’ in 19 years.”

The festival Chester is referring to is the “Gathering of the Juggalos,” an event started by drug addict clowns in 2000, whose sole purpose is to cultivate a feeling of community amongst the lowliest of specimens by way of blunts, Faygo and meth. The festival smashed expectations its first few years with over 100,000 attendees, solidifying its position as the worst festival in the world- with the Yulin Lychee and Dog Meat Festival hot on its tail. 

“This shit’s about family, man! I miss my homies. I bought two hundred Xanax cause I thought I’d be dumping hella off at the Gathering. But I’m gonna keep doing me for real. Whoop Whoop!” Chester was later arrested by the Toledo PD on one count of awful music and two counts of drug possession with intent to supply.

• The Terminal Times

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“Big leagues, baby!”

Coronavirus

• The Terminal Times

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Thanks,

Benji

The Recap:

The movie starts with Quentin Tarantino talking about how Madonna likes big dicks to a table full of criminals, and the criminals all agree.

However — Mr. Pink, a man in a suit/criminal (also possibly a lizard) won’t tip the waitress. 

This causes an argument about tipping, so to calm everybody down, Mr. Orange, another man in a suit, tells them all “I agree with everyone, because I am a criminal, and not a cop.”

The criminals walk down a street very slowly while wearing suits and sunglasses, one is drinking a soda because he really wants everybody to know he’s a dick.

Later, Mr. White (old man in a suit/criminal), pulls Mr. Orange into a big room. He’s bleeding badly, but not because he’s a cop. 

Mr. Pink tells Mr. White that the bank heist they were supposed to do got messed up because there was a rat. Mr. Orange continues to bleed.

Eventually the personification of “Yuck, him?” shows up (Michael Madsen/Probable Real Life Criminal). 

“Yuck, him?” agrees there was a rat, and while nobody is looking, cuts off a cops ear because he either really likes or really hates the song “Stuck in the Middle with You.”

The cop bleeds a bunch. But Mr. Orange doesn’t care. 

Because he’s not a cop.

(Major Spoiler) 

So Mr. Orange was a cop the whole time.

He shoots “Yuck, him?” because as a cop he thought cutting off his cop friend’s ear was a bit much.

Then some Italians show up and shoot Mr. Orange’s cop friend until he dies from being shot too much. (Overall, cop friend is having a rough day.)

The Italians argue about who the rat is, thinking it’s Mr. Orange, but it isn’t Mr. Orange because Mr. Orange is not a — nevermind.

They all talk for a really long time because Quentin Tarantino made this movie, but eventually they decide “Fuggedaboutit!” and shoot each other.

Now that mostly everybody is dead, Mr. Orange tells Mr. White (major spoiler) that he’s a cop. 

Mr. White cries and holds a gun against Mr. Orange’s head to shoot him, but not before cops burst through the door to sing a song by Harry Nilsson.

The End.

Review:

I thought it was pretty cute. Definitely better than Quentin Tarantino’s other movie “Feet, Feet, and a Side of Feet.” 

Final Score: 

4 Limes out of a possible 5 Coconuts.

• Gareth O’Dalaigh, The Terminal Times

Off-Duty Chad Walkins shot a disassembled piece of IKEA furniture 37 times on Sunday. According to reports, the IKEA shelf was “black, open-concept,” and “looked really difficult to put together.” Walkins claimed the shelf was “resisting being assembled.”

When asked if he read the instructions, he stated that he tried but, “they were written in several languages, only one of which was English. I read intentions, not instructions.”

President Trump tweeted out a response saying, “Those assembly instructions are very difficult to read. I don’t blame Officer Walkins. The shelf was probably made in China and could have actually been the shelf that brought the China virus to the United States.”

A few hours later, he tweeted, “I want to thank Officer Walkins for shooting COVID-19! Only 18 more to go!!”

In response to the Officer’s actions, many progressives are boycotting furniture all together while Trump supporters are buying more IKEA furniture and shooting it up in solidarity with Walkins.

Members of the community are torn on how to respond. Some think that police shouldn’t be using guns to assemble IKEA furniture, while others think that officers just need more training on how to read instructions.

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

On Monday, President and author of Art of the Deal demonstrated what the Art of Compromise looks like. “I promise that every time a legal citizen purchases two cans of beautiful Goya Beans, I will release one immigrant child from ICE custody.”

His new immigrant-beans policy will also permit one immigrant adult to be released from ICE custody for every Trump steak eaten. While Republicans in the House and Senate are praising the President, many members of Trump’s base are finding it difficult to cope with this compromise.

“I backed him because of his promise to build walls and put refugee children in cages and ever since this Goya thing, I’m just not sure I can support him,” says New Mexico resident Kasey Mussman.

Goya CEO, Robert Unanue, states that he is “in full support of people eating more Goya Beans,” and that the children being released from ICE custody is a win-win. “I’m against people not eating enough beans and I’m against human rights violations, so this feels like the perfect solution.”

“I think it’s beautiful,” Trump said about his own idea, “in fact, everyone is talking about how beautiful it is and how fair it is. They say ‘I’ve never seen a sitting president do this.’ And I say, ‘I’m not even sitting. I’m standing!'”

Other Presidential candidates weighed in on the new policy. Democrat nominee Joe Biden gave his statement: “I’m completely against this. I was against beans when they were invented and I stand by that.”

Kanye West has also objected on entirely different principles. “These immigrant kids are in these cages by choice. Cages are a mind-set.” He also donated 72 pairs of YEEZY pumps to all ICE agents hoping it will inspire the children to greatness.

Besty DeVoss praised the idea saying that the leftover Goya cans will be reused as urns for American school children who die in the first phases of reopening.

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

In a recent study by Science Magazine, a Coronavirus research has been conducted that could have any number of possible outcomes. “If our estimations are correct, there could be four, five, maybe even seven different types of results. Or even just resulting numbers that include some of those numbers.”

It shows progress in the ongoing study- in the first few experiments, researchers estimated that there would be two or three possible results. After months of continued trials, the numbers have gone up from three to maybe nine, and then all the way up to infinity.

“We’re not saying that the results could even have numbers in them. There could be zero results, or results that resemble letters or hieroglyphs.”

• The Terminal Times