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Harvey, a local tabby cat with big dreams and a bigger body, has always been unsatisfied by the pace of his life. Early on, he found defecating in his sandbox and chewing on houseplants to be a thrill with diminishing returns. His discontentment came to a head at the end of a deceptively complex hunt.

“After pursuing my enemy for 47 heart-pounding minutes, I discovered that it was not in fact an adversary that could travel at the speed of light, but a red light controlled by my owner and two of his pathetic companions,” he said, “that’s when I knew I needed something more.”

He quickly discovered that he was trapped in his small ways of thinking. “Maybe the real litter box is the litter box of my mind,” he began to write on his owner’s keyboard, moments before being pushed off.

Unfortunately, his owner Garret does not seem to share Harvey’s enthusiasm for his dreams. Harvey admits that inspiration does often strike while Garret is using his computer, but that should be no excuse. “Yeah, Garret is a real loser,” he admitted, “I find my skills threaten his very self-worth. He is particularly self-conscious about his poor flexibility. He can’t even lick his own butt and when I do it, he takes it as a threatening display of authority and quickly lashes out in a fit of jealous anger.”

Harvey has been forced to clean himself – and create – in private out of consideration for his owner’s brittle self-esteem. “I guess he just cannot tolerate me being flexible, beautiful, AND genius,” he shrugged. “Sometimes, you just have to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Continuing our Quentin Tarantino Series, let’s get fucked up and watch “Once Upon A Time… in Hollywood.”

The Recap:

So Leonardo DiCaprio is a guy who looks like me and is a handsome actor. He has a friend who is his old stuntman Cliff Booth played by Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt kicks the shit out of Bruce Lee, because Bruce Lee was wearing sunglasses or something. 

He also beats up a hippie during a run-in with the Manson family. The Manson family does not seem like a nice family.

Meanwhile Leonardo DiCaprio (me), is at work and is sad because he can’t remember his lines and he cries to a little girl about how he sucks. This movie is very relatable. 

Margot Robbie plays Sharon Tate. She exists and everything. (Also, seriously? More feet?)

I go to Italy to do some Italian movies and realize maybe there’s some hope for my career because Italians can’t tell what good acting is (Clint Eastwood).

Anyway, I have to break up with my boyfriend Brad Pitt because I have a wife now and that complicates things.

Some shit happens.

Brad Pitt and his puppy defend me from the Manson family, and I set the last one on fire because like all actors I think I’m secretly a hero.

Brad Pitt goes to the hospital, and I get to go have fun with Sharon Tate who (twist): is not dead the whole time.

The Review:

This might be one of Tarantino’s best films. Brad Pitt was great, but I also felt DiCaprio’s performance was one of my best.

Final Score:

4.5/5 Flamethrowers

• Gareth O’Dalaigh, The Terminal Times

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• The Terminal Times

While the temperatures outside continues to rise this summer, Robert and Jill Murphee of Maple Grove have been bringing the heat in their bedroom as of late. 

According to sources, Robert, 52, and Jill, 49, are reportedly having sex upwards of three to four times per week. The source, the couple’s son Kevin, says that the news has really shaken his world.

“I mean, I just kind of assumed that parents stop doing it by the time they’re like, 40 or something,” says Kevin, who recently moved back in with his parents after a failed year of college. “But like I heard it the other night and it was fucking gross, dude.” 

The couple, who married 22 years ago says that despite recent reports, their sex life has remained consistent throughout the marriage. 

“We’d try and be quiet when Kevin was younger because we didn’t want to wake him up, but I can’t think of a time that Robert hasn’t been giving it to me pretty regularly,” says Jill. 

“What can I say? I’m wildly attracted to my wife’s body,” adds Robert, while sitting only a few feet away from his son. “Plus she’s never been afraid to try new things, and I think that has really been one of the keys to keeping our marriage fresh.” 

Robert and Jill are not alone. A recent study shows that 89 percent of all middle-aged parents are still really tearing into each other at least once a week, much to the chagrin of their children. 

“Sex is like, different now than it was when they were younger,” says Kevin, who received a total of three dry hanjobs during his time at Minnesota State University – Mankato. “Like their generation only had sex so that they could have kids. It’s not like it is today.” 

Despite his son’s misinformed beliefs, Robert was recently spotted purchasing a number of sexual novelties in the local strip mall, located down the street from the Subway restaurant where Kevin works. 

“Oh yeah, we’re up for anything,” says Jill when asked about the purchases. “Toys, videos, roleplay; whatever feels right in the moment.” 

As of press time Kevin has yet to actually witness his parents having sex. But that could change soon. 

“I work from home, so sometimes she’ll surprise me in the middle of the day,” explains Robert. “I actually forget that Kevin is here, and last week he almost caught us in the living room.”

• Patrick Strait, The Terminal Times

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Saturday Night Live alumnus Adam Sandler took to social media early Thursday morning to address his problematic portrayal of blackfoot in the popular 2002 Happy Madison film Mr. Deeds. “They were different times” Sandler stated in a tweet on his personal Twitter account @CanteenBoi, which has since been deleted. “Hoo sha wee do bah,” said Sandler at press time.

• Derrick Johnson (Twitter @StolenVCR), The Terminal Times (@terminal_times)

While many are happy about the cooler weather and changing seasons, not everyone is celebrating. Claire, a 28-year-old Ugg Boots enthusiast, is feeling conflicted. Very early on this year, she declared that she “can’t see color,” and will therefore treat all tree leaves the same.

“All Leaves Matter. The biggest way to celebrate the changing seasons is to not talk about it,” Claire said in the caption for a black-and-white portrait of an oak tree, “I’m done with hearing about colors – can’t seasons just be seasons? Why do we need to describe them with the social constructs of colors?”

Her husband, Garret, a white man who is increasingly feeling like fewer people are listening to him, did not mince words about the attention the autumn leaves’ color is getting. “I’m so sick of people talking about these ‘multi-colored’ trees and taking pictures of them. Sure, I like autumn. I don’t have an anti-autumn bone in my body but I’m tired of people making the distinction between summer and autumn leaves.” 

Garret also floated a theory that the changing seasons are a liberal plot to get more people to vote in the November election. He doesn’t believe the election happening in an autumn month is a coincidence.

Protestors of the All Leaves Matter group have come out of the woodwork to support the colorful language used to describe the changing leaves. They decried people like Claire as people “swamped in Pumpkin-Spice-Privilege,” and, choosing one of their favorite autumn colors decided to start “Orange Lives Matter.”

Their slogan, however, was hijacked by a grassroots Republican group after believing it to be a statement supporting President Donald Trump.

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Walmart CEO Doug McMillon is historically tyrannical in his anti union views- going as far as terminating employees for mentioning the use of union phrases such as “living wage” and “lunch break.” Those views got him in a bit of a bind last week, as he mistook an employee’s civil union for a Local Teamsters meeting. The mistake cost 13 lives.

“I don’t listen when my indentured servants talk. All I heard was union, not civil union, honest mistake,” said McMillon. “Why would I listen to them? I hire the meek to serve the world’s scum.”

 When not murdering gay men, you can find Doug McMillon soaking up the sun on his on island with underage women. 

• The Terminal Times

“When I unwrapped my Beefy 5 layer burrito, I knew there was something funny going on,” said a red-eyed man with long hair and a Bob Marley t-shirt, who also happened to be a stoner. “They left out all the good stuff. All it had was iceberg lettuce and some kind of… sour cream?”

With the increase of at home delivery services due to COVID-19, many skeptics like this man here have been forced to face their own fears of having an unknown delivery driver cum shot their Quesarito.

“I thought I’d get some delicious beefy cheese. Turns out, it was nutter butter!”

• Tido Maldonado, The Terminal Times

Paparazzi recently caught Casper the Friendly Ghost, 85 ghost years, at a Klan rally holding a sign reading, “The only good Ghost is a white Ghost!”

It appears after years of speculation, that although considered by most to be the friendliest of ghosts, Casper is far from it.

Often known for helping out and making friends with those in need, Casper allegedly used his power to lure susceptible social outcasts into the world of white supremacy. 

This also isn’t the first time Casper the Friendly Ghost has faced controversy. 

Upon hearing the news, 1995’s “Casper” co-star Christina Ricci took to Twitter:

“Casper has always been problematic. When we made the movie, he was like 50 and it was about his crush on a 13 year old girl. I mean, what kind of storyline is that?”

“Ultimately, it’s sad though,” she continued. “I think he had a lot of bad ideas put into his head over the years by his uncles, and his best friend: The Flying Dutchman.”

• Gareth O’Dalaigh, The Terminal Times

With public life adjusting and changing with the effects of COVID-19, a change is coming from an unlikely source…The Catholic Church. No, not the change we’d all hope for. You know, the rape stuff. Much to my youngest brother’s disappointment, most traditions shall remain untouched by modern societal norms. Instead, there will be updates to the way Sisters keep young kids in line in the classroom. 

As you may have seen recently, Sunday Mass has been conducted in a socially distant manner by means of a Holy Water squirt gun. The classroom changes however, do not have that same spring break sex appeal. For example, Sisters of the Catholic Church will be whipping students with yard sticks rather than the conventional 12 inch ruler to avoid close contact. Instead of the squirt guns portrayed in the mainstream media, sharpshooter nuns will use BB guns to remain socially distant (within firing range). Another change includes keeping all children on a 6ft neck leash for quick snatching purposes should they ask any questions regarding homosexuality or get caught with a science book. The mask requirements are in effect and students will participate in normal recess, but with only one student granted this time each day. The others will be seeking atonement for their sins during this time, of course. “A prayer a day keeps eternal damnation at bay” said Sister Gwendolyn.

Is this a step in the right direction? Could this mean more changes for The Catholic Church in the future? Jesus, the son of God, could not be reached for comment.

• Evan Burgle, The Terminal Times