Category: Uncategorized

“Lock the guys up that did it,” said mouth breathing Wisconsin hick Dale Saunders on Thursday, “nobody should get away with the cold blooded murder of unarmed corporate buildings like that. That shit ain’t right.”

The small town shit farmer is one of the leading speakers on his hometown “white lives matter” Facebook group- who hopes racism will cure the looting problem the country has dealt with for hundreds of years. 

“They’re blaming this on the cop, but what did he do? Is it because he’s white? Racism towards whites isn’t allowed in my parts, and if anybody starts lootin ima’ start shootin’.” As he said this, his eyes glazed over and he began to drool. 

Hopefully, his shit stenched breath will be heard. But for now, he’s just a hick in a shed, with a bible he can’t read and the ability to cast his vote for the next president of the United States.

Talia Stein, world-renown tag champion & light-up shoes brand ambassador, has tested positive for the Coronavirus. “I’ve never been caught,” she said Monday on Instagram, “but it seems like I have caught someone I wasn’t planning too – COVID-19.”

She went on to say that she was shaken to her core after this diagnosis.  “I’ve outrun every competitor in the world, but I couldn’t outrun this. Even with my new shoes.”

She expressed concern that this will affect her future competition. “With a heavy heart, I release my title of World Tag Champion to COVID-19. Well played.”

When asked what she would do now, she said she will be sharpening her hide-and-seek skills. “My days of Tag competitions are over, I’ll be moving on to Hide-And-Seek.”

Talia will face tough competition: the current reigning champion of hide-and-seek is Bigfoot after he beat out Donald Trump’s brain two years ago.

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

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• Terminal Times

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• The Terminal Times

1. Between 1941 and 1945, Adolf Hitler and his Nazi regime killed 11 million Jewish people, in what was later known as “The Holocaust.”

Bit much, don’t ya think?

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2. In a newspaper interview from 1937, Hitler referred to Olive Garden as “Wop Dago Garden.”

And to think he called Mussolini an ally.

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3. He’s responsible for the death of Anne Frank, and completely violated her boundaries by allowing everyone to read her diary.

Those are personal thoughts!

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4. In 1923, while in prison for treason, Hitler penned “Mein Kampf,” which quickly became the most racist book of all time.

Take that, Lovecraft.

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5. In 1931, Hitler refused to eat at Taco Bell because of its “non-Aryan cuisine.”

Really, Hitler? Tacos rule!

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• The Terminal Times

Dank Cave, USA – Many lizard people are starting to worry about the way much of the media portrays them.

“We are more than just humanoid reptiles wearing the skin of your most well-known world leaders,” said Zulk, a local lizard person and social media activist, “we are also doctors and lawyers, mothers, and fathers, and it’s time that gets represented.” 

Many of the lizard people are weary of being vilified night after night on the evening YouTube. “The media is awash in stereotypes of us being scheming creatures bent on world domination, when in reality we are very genial people bent on world domination. Many of us just want to make an honest living, go home to our caves, and eat our bowlful of rats.” 

Despite the recent bad press, Zulk is still hopeful. “Yes, we have a long way to go. But we’ve already had our first Lizard President, so there’s always hope.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

The only thing worse than Hillary Clinton’s elite child sex ring? Fruit. Fruit on pizza. Fruit on Pizzagate. Whatever. It’s bad!

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Months after referring to Michigan’s Gretchen Whitmer as the “Michigan governor” and criticizing her strict social distancing policies, President Trump came clean last Sunday, tweeting “For a non-Russian, she’s actually pretty hot.” 

In response to Nancy Pelosi calling the president “morbidly obese,” Trump has been spotted at multiple private golf courses, shaping up for a potential date with the married Mrs. Whitmer. After golfing “tremendously” Trump took to social media once again to insult Pelosi and Whitmer, tweeting, “The only thing obese about me is this bigly orange dong, and the Michigan Governor can attest to that.” Melania Trump responded by writing “false” in Russian. 

• The Terminal Times

August 12, 2020

• The Terminal Times

Due to the coronavirus and the resulting plethora of paranoid temperature-takers, thermometers are getting more action than ever before. In a recent study by Science Magazine, researchers estimated a 97% increase in ass and mouth action amongst thermometers since the onset of the virus. 

             “I haven’t gotten this much ass since the late 70’s, when the gays were still into this stuff,” said Jim, an experienced rectal thermometer from Oakland, California. “It’s amazing!” 

“Before the pandemic, being a thermometer was kind of boring,” said Jim, as he sat down with reporters for a cup of coffee. “Every once in a while, somebody would stick me up a dog’s asshole, but other than that, there just wasn’t that much action.”

After coffee, Jim stepped outside and lit a cigarette before reminiscing about the late 70’s compared to now. “In the 70’s, I could go to a biker bar at 8pm and be in 5 biker’s asses by 10:30. Incredible. But now, it’s even crazier. I just hang out at a hospital and get action all day!”

• The Terminal Times