Author: The Terminal Times

Minnesota local Garret Wilson is absolutely livid that the cold weather has once again returned to an area of the country that he knew would be cold when he moved to it. “I just can’t believe it’s snowing,” he said, “Sure, it snows every year, but I just can’t believe it. It gets worse every time.” 

Garret’s wife Claire is also suffering. “I knew it would be cold during the winter when we moved here, but this is the 6th year in a row. Really, winter? Take a year off for crying out loud. Sometimes I wish global warming would take its toll so we could go to the beach in December…” 

This snow shower ruined her 3rd trip to the local Pumpkin patch to post grainy pictures of herself and her three friends with the caption: “low quality picture, high quality people.” 

Garret suspects it to be a ploy by tyrannical dictator Tim Walz to keep people inside. 

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Too long have we worshiped in the patch of the Great Pumpkin, being tossed too and fro by pumpkin spice parables.  I know many people’s first thought is, “Ugg, this again?” But hear me out!

We are all bad apples and we’ve fallen short from the tree, we have to return to the one true Gourd!  It’s never too latte to repent from your sus-spice-ous behavior. We are a nation founded “Under Gourd,” and we need to return to that. 

Change is in the air. Leaves behind your old way of thinking, and become new! I see this generation rising up and squashing all opposing forces and coming to trust in Cheesus Crust as their Gourd and Savior once again. 

Glory to Gourd!

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Crackhead researchers at the University of Ohio have released an interesting new study, claiming crack addicts rarely (if ever) share their crack.

“After years of studying crackheads in the wild, we’ve found that less than 1% of crackheads will give you some crack,” said renowned crackologist Joshua Anderson, “this number is particularly astonishing when you compare it with other crack stats.”

According to the report, 2% of crackheads will let you smell their crack, and 94% of get it and immediately smoke it.

“It’s a good life,” says Anderson, “but you’ve gotta be dedicated.” 

• The Terminal Times

Laura Kelly, Governor of ThicKansas and dump-truck-butt admirer, has signed the state’s first Ass Mandate. “Starting Tuesday, we will require people who want to congregate to have bodacious booties,” she said in today’s press conference, “It’s simply reckless to let large groups gather without the proper thickage.”

This comes on the heels of essential workers calling for more BBE (Big Booty Energy) due to the lack of Federal ass-istance.

Many are praising the Governor’s executive order, but there is opposition. Many critics believe this body-shames and they ask the governor to reconsider and return to her previous “Don’t Ass, Don’t Tell” policies. 

Kelly just shook her head in response to the criticism, stating, “We need large asses, not smart asses.” She also said she had faith that Kansas will “twerk together to a juicier future.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

A greatly underspoken effect of covid-19 is its total destruction of the recently rising bat economy. Since March, bat stocks have plummeted, breaking records and creating a new bat recession. Bat finances haven’t been this shaky since the late 1800s, when fear of Bram Stoker’s “Count Dracula” was in its prime.

Some experts say coronavirus might be the culprit. 

“We haven’t seen this many homeless bats in decades,” said bat economist Johnathon Meller. “You go to a cave, and they line the walls, begging for money. We can’t give them anything because of the virus. Vampires won’t even talk to them.” 

Batbrokers on Bat Street fear for the worst. “Ever since Jerry killed that guy, people stopped buying our stocks,” said batbroker Allen Mason, in reference to the roasted bat attributed to creating the onset of the virus. “We’re all sitting here on Bat Street just scratching our heads, saying ‘hey Jerry, would’ve been real nice if you didn’t give covid to the whole friggin world.’ Because of this guy, most of us are struggling to even put mosquitoes on the table. Three more bad trades and I’ll have to sell my cave.” 

Yesterday, Batman spoke out on the topic. “I can control bats, but I can’t control bat finances,” tweeted the superhero, “best I can do is a reboot of The Penguin.” 

On the bright side, other animal economies have skyrocketed. Dog stocks soared when scientists found canines to be immune to the virus, and the tiger meme economy rose by 82% in April thanks to “Tiger King” on Netlix. 

• The Terminal Times

• Gretchen, Terminal Times

I can’t believe it’s not legal! Starting Tuesday, a margarine ban will be in effect for bars, restaurants, and other indoor venues throughout Minnesota.

Walz issued a statement pleading with residents not to bring their own margarine into restaurants. “We have to get this under control,” he said, “We can’t have another slip-up.”

Critics have unilaterally bashed the Executive Order, taking to the streets to protest and saying things like, “We don’t shut down for butter. Why should we shut down for margarine? More people get heart disease from butter every year!”

Since March, margarine has greased its way around the country and infected millions of baked goods. This is due largely to the fact that many believe it is their right to not only eat margarine, but also to give it to other people without their knowledge or consent. 

Republicans and Democrats have thrown out their well-oiled “slippery slope” argument to combat the order: Conservatives are worried this could be the end of even more spreadable food such as Nutella and Peanut Butter while Progressives also secretly fear for the fate of avocado toast.

President Trump took to Twitter to combat the order, “Don’t let the fear of margarine dominate your lives,” he said, despite most Americans not having healthcare coverage, “don’t be afraid of heart disease.” But he didn’t stop there. “How are the beautiful people of Minnesota going to grease their cooking pans?? LUBRICATE MINNESOTA!”

With more protests on the way, it’s unclear whether this situation will get any butter.

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Local white guy Kyle Newsom is a staunch supporter of the “all lives matter” movement, and he’s not afraid to be oblivious and confrontational about it.

“Of course, all lives matter,” says Kyle, “as long as you’re straight, male, not gay, and my friend.”

Kyle is proud to say that he has a black friend, but he doesn’t see color. “Yeah, I have a black friend, but does it really matter what race he is? I don’t see a black guy and think, ‘oh, that guy must be good at basketball because he’s black.’ I see a black guy and think ‘oh, that guy must be good at basketball because he’s a straight male and not gay or a woman.”

Despite his hard stance on who matters, he argues he has respect for everybody – as long as they don’t be too much themselves around him.

• The Terminal Times

Veronica Harfor (@GirlBossBF) of Uptown, has hairy armpits and opinions on things. 

“I’m open minded and I don’t care what you think,” said Veronica at presstime, “we shouldn’t be raising our children straight!” 

Veronica spends most of her day tweeting half baked thoughts and opinions. “A lot of people are put off by her ideas, but I think she’s ahead of her time,” said Jagwer, her adrogynous partner in overalls. “I mean, she’s been preaching equality since she was 8 years old. Her first words were “black lives matter.”” 

When she’s not fighting the patriarchy online with her only OnlyFans account, Veronica spends time at “Turtle Snatch,” her all gay reptile store. The non-profit pet store was created in 2015 and hopes to make homosexuality more prevalant amongst our cold-blooded friends.

• Terminal Times

Brandon McDonald is taking a radical step towards vegetarianism with what he calls an “unprecedented move” for himself – he’s cutting out leather. 

“No, no, I’m still WEARING leather. It’s EATING it that’s where I’m starting,” he said over his steak and eggs breakfast with a side of breakfast sausage, “Yes, I’m a vegetarian. Yes, I eat burgers, chicken, pork, venison, and virtually every form of animal life because I’m starting SLOW.”

Brandon defends himself saying it is a lifestyle change that will take some adjustments. “I can’t just go cold turkey off meat – speaking of which, a cold turkey sandwich sounds amazing right now.” He stated his plan is going to replace eating leather boots with beef patties. Then he will replace the beef patties with turkey burgers. “Then I’ll probably go back to beef patties for a while cuz who wants a bird burger, right?”

Responding to what motivates him to stay strong, he stated, “I don’t do it for myself – I do it for the planet. And the animals. And this girl I’m dating who thinks I’m a vegetarian.” 

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times