Author: The Terminal Times

Stores are urging shoppers to keep a safe distance while trampling each other this Black Friday. “Your safety is our number one priority, especially if you’re poor and fat” said local Walmart Manager Hank Kilmer, “we’re requiring masks and at least 6 feet of distance for stomping out other customers.”

Sanitizer is also provided if any hand-to-hand altercations become necessary. “We want to overwhelm the hospitals with head injuries, not COVID cases, people.”

Hank again reminded his employees to put up the wet floor signs around the pools of blood and bones. “Don’t want anyone to get hurt,” they agreed. 

Many customers understand and are in compliance with the order. “Sure, I’ll beat someone within an inch of their life to get an Apple TV, but I’m not going to give somebody COVID,” said shopper Kathy Blum, “I’m not a monster.” 

Even with the precautions, some shoppers are still electing to stay home and shop online. However, to maintain the same experience as in-person shopping, they are waking up at 5:00am and throwing themselves down a flight of stairs (with a mask on, of course.)

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

11-27-20

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• Phil Kolas, Terminal Times

Photo by Tyler Martindale

Donkey, you can’t say that!

Twitter is enraged and disappointed after Donkey from Shrek was caught calling a podcast host a “f****t” last week, and now, PC culture is doing everything they can to uncover his past homophobic mistakes.

In recently leaked footage, Donkey was caught acting out grotesque and inappropriate impressions of celebrities having gay sex.

When contacted about the topic, Shrek declined to comment.

• The Terminal Times

For the first time in history, scientists at Australia University said “croiwkey mate, koalas are dumb as hell!”

The formerly cute and auspicious species was deemed “Officially Dumb” after a researcher noticed a koala looking dumber than a box of bricks hanging upside down from a tree.

“These delightful little idiots make my life absolute hell,” said Researcher Owen Onsrach, “the more you watch them, you more you realize they shouldn’t be allowed to drive cars, let alone do a lecture at University.”

This statement by Onsrach was a result of multiple dumbness tests, surpassing seagulls, worms and pandas as the dumbest animal in the world! The 2020 Koalas won the National Stupidity Championships, ranking highest in idiocy, ignorance, and nimwit nature.

“The koalas hope to be even dumber next year,” said Reseachers, “by hanging upside down and eating leaves and whatnot, lookin dumb as hell.”

• The Terminal Times

JJ Abrams –  cancel-culture’s new Joss Whedon – is helming an adaption of 2021. Reportedly, he will be using the same basic plot elements from 2020, including bringing back fan favorites like Dr. Anthony Fauci. In a pandering money grab decision, Abrams is recasting Dr. Fauci as an elderly African American man and reluctant mentor for young, bright-eyed virologists portrayed by similar token diversity hires. 

Donald Trump Jr. is also set to return as the villain – filling in the tiny shoes left behind by his father. Early set photos show Trump Jr. staring longingly at a display case of his dad’s battle-worn hair and vowing to follow in his stunted footsteps. 

Some fans are disappointed Abrams is using a recycled plot from a much more original year, while others defend the move. “He has to make 2021 as nostalgic as possible,” said local fan Tom Todd, “that way, the sharp left turn Rian Johnson will take for 2022 is that much more upsetting.” 

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

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• The Terminal Times

Happy birthday, Kelly!

• The Terminal Times

In a stunning demonstration of generosity, Bezos is donating  thousands of gently-used cardboard boxes to the homeless. 

“Why should I have so much paper while the homeless have so little?” He tweeted on Monday, after an interview in which he bemoaned the Federal Government’s all-but-nonexistent cardboard relief plan. “I see homeless people on TV. There’s so many of them, and they go through so much cardboard. From a public relations perspective, it sickens me that I haven’t exploited that yet.”

Amazon has also modified its warehouses to make the dumpsters a lot more accessible for homeless people to crawl into. “Sure, those dumpsters used to double as employee break rooms, but we have to make sacrifices for the greater good.”  

Fox commentator Tucker Carlson praised Bezos’ intentions but warned Americans that, “If we start giving homeless people cardboard, it will look like we’re rewarding their poor behavior. Don’t let them get used to this or they might start asking for more.” 

Many supporters praise Bezos’ benevolence, saying he perfectly exemplifies the American values of “success, fame, and littering.” 

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

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• The Terminal Times

Tim Waltz, Tim Cha-Cha,

But Tim Can’t Breakdance

Tim Waltz, Tim Swing,

But Tim Can’t Breakdance

Tim Waltz, Tim Tango,

But Tim Can’t Breakdance

Tim Waltz, Tim Jitterbug,

But Tim Can’t Breakdance

Tim Waltz, Tim Tap,

But Tim Can’t Breakdance

Tim Waltz, Tim Breakdown,

But Tim Can’t Breakdance

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times