Author: The Terminal Times

Garrett Leibowitz, 25, of Anoka has enjoyed “God-level” status amongst the incel communities on Reddit and 4Chan in recent years, thanks to his ruthless putdowns and scathing insults of females of all ages, ethnicities and occupations. That recently changed, however, thanks to Leibowitz’s mother and the Lawn Mower 3.0 hair trimmer by MANSCAPED.

Leibowitz, who also goes by the alias “UnDaMaGeD,” received the Lawn Mower 3.0 as an early holiday gift from his mother just after Thanksgiving. While initially skeptical of anything that might make him look like a “complete Chad,” Leibowitz reluctantly tried the trimmer and learned that the results were better than expected.

“I tried trimming my neck hair for the first time just to shut up Carmen,” says Leibowitz, referring to his mother, who he naturally only calls by her first name. “It actually made me feel something I didn’t expect: self-respect.”

After continuing his grooming to include his patchy chest hair and countless strays sticking out of his shoulders and upper-back, Leibowitz returned to the computer with plans of really tearing into Sarah Fuller, the Vanderbilt University student athlete who recently made history as the first woman to ever compete in a Power Five college football game. However, he realized his feelings of sexist rage, much like his newly smooth Adam’s apple and vastly upgraded grooming technology, had changed.

“I was all ready to talk about how I hoped that some dumbass jock would smash into her and take her empty bitch head off her shoulders, but once I started typing, I realized how impressive it was to see a strong woman breaking down barriers and achieving athletic success,” Leibowitz says.

Since then, Leibowitz has been applying his online energy in far more positive and respectful ways that he never knew possible before utilizing the SkinSafe technology and ergonomic design of the Lawn Mower 3.0.

“I used to just pull up YouTube videos of women giving TED Talks so that I could laugh at their dumbass ideas,” Leibowitz continues. “But once I started watching the videos instead of just writing ‘FAT’ in the comments and moving on, I realized there are a lot of really strong female minds making our world a better place.”

Leibowitz’s mother is reportedly very pleased with the change in her son’s attitude as of late and tells The Terminal Times she has purchased the Crop Care Kit, the premium groin hygiene bundle from MANSCAPED, as an upcoming Hanukkah gift for Garrett.

“Who knows? Maybe by this time next year I’ll be spending the holidays with my new soon-to-be daughter-in-law,” she says.

While Leibowitz says he is open to the idea of shaving his painfully overgrown balls, he doesn’t seem sold on his mother’s enthusiasm about his romantic prospects.

“Daughter-in-law? She said that? She probably wants me to go out with that troll girl Kirsten that she works with. On a scale of 1-10, I’d rather kill myself than talk her for five minutes. I’d still probably hook up with her though.”

Reminder: Use coupon code “TTimes” at checkout to get free shipping and 10% off any order! Manscaped: “Refining the Gentleman”

• Patrick Strait, Terminal Times

---

• The Terminal Times

It’s been said that children are our future–well, China has seen the face of America’s future, and they are disgusted. An analysis of years of TikTok data collected from US accounts resulted in one overwhelming conclusion by Chinese officials: America’s youth are dumber than a box of bricks. The leaked report outlined three core characteristics that supposedly define Gen Z in the states: entitlement, mental illness, and “overwhelming stupidity.” 

The report specifically singled out children from high income homes, stating “if there’s a kitchen island visible in the background of the TikTok, I know I’m about to see something that’s just so, so stupid.” 

Considering kids from wealthy families are the most likely to rise to positions of power, this painted a grim picture for the future of American politics. Chinese officials were also happy to see that one of the top ten most used words on American TikTok was “sksksks,” a nonsense sound meant to represent giving up on a thought mid sentence and simply slamming the computer keyboard in an overwhelmed fit of laughter and/or shock. 

One analyst stated: “if these are the future leaders and innovators of the United States, China’s ascension to overtake America as the leading world superpower should be much easier than we thought.”

• Cody Baker, Terminal Times

CDC officials are livid after hearing the news that even the alien monolith that landed in Utah is not following travel guidelines. “First, the President holds rallies, then everybody goes home for Thanksgiving, and now this alien monolith is just CASUALLY traveling internationally,” said CDC Direct Robert Redfield, “It’s not even wearing a mask!”

The monolith went viral after it was discovered in the Utah desert last week. Americans were baffled and were even more surprised after Googling what a monolith is. On Tuesday, the monolith resurfaced in Romania. 

Many were shocked that it left the United States as the US is not historically known for taking down monuments. Reportedly, the monolith left after a failed search for intelligent life. 

President Donald Trump jumped immediately to Twitter to declare the monolith as part of his new border wall and demanded that Mexico pay for more monoliths. 

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

“Don’t.”

• Evan Burgle, Terminal Times

The Vatican released an apology statement earlier today in regards to an incident that happened in mid-November. On the 13th, it appeared The Pope had liked a photo of a grown woman’s ass on Instagram. Pope Francis said he’d liked the Brazilian model’s dumper on accident, as it appeared in his feed directly above a photo of one exceptionally fine altar boy.

 “He was the finest altar boy I’ve ever seen!” The Pope said defensively. He’d meant to bestow blessings (in the form of a like) upon 7-year-old Luca Bianchi, who appeared in his Holiness’ feed dressed in his ecclesiastical vestments for the very first time. 

The Pope apologized for any confusion he may have caused and said he’s sorry for disappointing his loyal flock. He plans to work harder to stay true to the moral standards people expect from his papacy, and to only like photos of little boys from now on.

• Cianna Violet, Terminal Times

This publication is brought to you by:

https://www.manscaped.com

Refining the Gentleman

---

Do you have a dirty little hairy penis? Do you have stinky balls? Does your shit get tangled up in your asscrack when you shit? If so, The Terminal Times would like to offer you an exclusive deal with our new sponsor, Manscaped. With the codeword “TTimes” you get 10% off any order and free shipping. That’s 10% off all of Manscaped’s space age line up.

    When your dick looks like a lion prowling in the grasslands of Kenya, it’s time to use their new Lawn Mower 3.0 to whack that prairie down. When you’re done down, there it’ll look like there was a controlled burn to tame that Kentucky Blue! The lawnmower is made with new patent SkinSafe technologies to eliminate all the bloody knicks and cuts we’ve become accustomed to!  

    With one spray, new Crop Rivivier will turn your balls from “strung out heroin junkie” to “Cool Jazz Musician.” No longer will you have to sit on your balls to hide your odor, you can let your trumpet reign supreme. 

9 out of 10 women polled said that they would in fact “slob” on his “knob” after use of the whole line up. And, if you act quick with codeword “TTimes” they will throw in a carrying case, perfect for filling with condoms, you’ll need em.

• The Terminal Times

Local Satire Newspaper demands resume, sample writing, drivers license, proof of insurance, saliva sample, social security, sample writing translated to Sanskrit, full body photo, and direct deposit info while joblessness statistics hit an all time high.

In what seems like a satire move in of itself, local satire newspaper “The Terminal Times” released a post Monday, offering a position with the paper while demanding actual credentials to get the role. 

“They aren’t even demanding appropriate credentials for employment, such as pronouns, or amount of times they retweeted AOC last week. It’s just disgusting in this environment,” says Dick Coff, local unemployment expert. “I mean at this rate, this newspaper is probably hiring white people and that is the most concerning. They don’t even ask for your race, just a writing sample? These people should be ashamed” he continued. 

As Minnesota’s unemployment rate reaches 3.1%, the white unemployment rate remains at 2.9%. Although the states confusing efforts of keeping Starbucks and Targets open, local authorities are actively seeking to bump that fat lazy whitey unemployment rate to higher than the state’s average. 

“Ya know, we really miscalculated where all these white people work. We really thought we would boost those white unemployment numbers by closing the places with the most hipster beards and beanie combos, but we underestimated how many average looking Caucasian dudes work at places like Menard’s or Lowe’s. The Terminal Times’s post really comes at a tough time for our office” concludes Coff. 

If you’re looking for a job, The Terminal Times is hiring. But don’t come looking for handouts, and make sure to have ransom money and alibis.

• Haley the Dumb Broad, Terminal Times

Despite having chronic anxiety, Angela continues to drink liquid anxiety. “It wakes me up to the myriad of horrible futures I’ve created in my mind,” she said, “Nothing helps me catastrophize like my morning cup of oh no.” 

Coffee has increased in popularity ever since human beings began to be viewed as labor-saving devices for greedy corporate overlords. Now, many people – including Angela – depend on it. “Without caffeine, I would probably fall asleep at work. Then I’d lose my job, then my apartment. I’d start living out of my car and certainly sleeping worse. Then, one day, when I’m driving I’ll fall asleep at the wheel and swerve into a semi made out of explosives.” 

Like many coffee drinkers, Angela is a purist. She drinks coffee until her heart is convinced she’s doing cardio. “Are you really drinking coffee if your chest cavity doesn’t threaten to cave in on itself?” This continues to feed her paranoia that she has an underlying heart condition and can drop dead at any moment. 

This article has been brought to you by Coffee.™ Coffee, life is short, overthink it.™

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Emperor Palpatine retweeted another video claiming that the rebellion’s “successful” destruction of the Death Star was a complete fraud. “Don’t believe everything you see on the holo,” the Emperor declared, “I can feel the anger flowing out of these mainstream news outlets.” 

Almost 3 weeks after the rebels blew up the Death Star, the Emperor still refuses to admit it. 

This is bound to make things awkward at Life Day dinner this year, as Darth Vader actually does believe the Death Star is gone. “We need immediate emergency funding to start making the exact same weapon with the exact same flaw,” Vader said behind closed Blast Doors.

However, Vader seems to be in the minority –  many of the Emperor’s other supporters have fallen in line including thousands of mindless Storm Troopers and other terrified imperial officials. Grand Moff Tarkin was unavailable to comment and hasn’t been seen since the reported incident. 

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times