After threats of a strike forced Amazon into giving bonuses to their workers, the shipping giant made a big move to find a cheaper and more easily exploited workforce.
Last week, Amazon merged with the North Pole and harnessed the mythical powers of the most trusted assembly line workers of all time: Santa’s elves.
In addition to their toy-making and daily jolly duties, the elves were told that they must now pack, sort and ship gifts for Jeff Bezos. The elves say the added pressure to get both rounds of presents out before Christmas is really ‘fudged up.’
“There’s no way that we can ship all of these Instapots and still have time to prep Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet…” a Head Elf told us as he frantically stuffed packing filler into a cardboard box.
On Tuesday, several elves were crushed under pallets of fire sticks arriving from China in Santa’s repurposed sleigh. Amazon’s only response was to provide only one extra packet of hot chocolate per elf.
“If Santa weren’t such a fat greedy asshole, we would never be in this mess,” an injured elf grumbled. “Where’s the fat man now?”
Head Elves say they are organizing walk-outs and a Christmas Eve strike. Their list of demands includes workers’ compensation benefits, 401Ks and Jeff Bezos’ head on a peppermint stick.
In a country where 60% of its occupants are obese, somehow it’s becoming harder and harder for fatties to find representation in the media.
After becoming famous for being a chunky child, actor Shaun Weiss decided to start smoking meth and leave his unhealthy lifestyle behind him. Weiss is best known for his role as Goldberg, the goalie, in Disney’s Mighty Ducks and “the butt sit up guy” in 1995’s fat camp funny, Heavyweights.
Fat middle schoolers from across the midwest were heartbroken when showed the before and after photos of one of their favorite stubby stars. “He made me feel alright to wear a tee shirt in a pool, but now… now he’s all healthy and better than us,” said a blubbering Billy Whithersby, a child with 3 diabetic comas to his name.
“In my fictional roles, it was always my size that was important, not my personality. Well, the puck stops here. I’m turning my life around,” said Weiss on IG Live last week while smoking celebrity-grade methamphetamine out of a lightbulb.
A recent poll reveals a truth we’ve often suspected. A whopping 75% of grocery shoppers and delivery drivers say they’ve rubbed their junk on produce intended for clients at least once.
The poll was conducted amongst a sampling of workers in the delivery industry who are employed by different brands in varying markets. We talked to one “full service” shopper who had some things to say but prefers to remain anonymous.
“Sometimes we do it because the people are rude, and sometimes we do it because we’ve had a frustrating day.” he told The Terminal Times.
We encourage our readers to tip their delivery drivers and be courteous. You never know how their day has been, and you don’t want their twigs and berries touching your fruits and vegetables.
According to findings done by all the female scientists in the world and beyond, you know exactly what you did to result in your current unfavorable conditions.
In a statement, all female scientist declared that:
The mere fact that you require clarification only reinforces the report of you being “a total dickweed.”
Your hypotheses of being a “decent guy” has shown a strong correlation with being full of shit! Lab tests confirm that even a stroke stricken deaf monkey can rationalize similar circumstances to your doucebaggary. If you require further sources on reaching a conclusion, we suggest you take a look at Referendum 2B, entitled “kiss my ass.”
In conclusion, if you have trouble understanding our findings, you can check our math.”
Further findings can be found in the New England journal of medicine, Scientific American, and Cosmopolitan.
Vice President and politically-active saltine cracker, Mike Pence, refused to let his family watch his televised vaccination. “Television is violent enough as it is,” he said in his statement, “Not only does the vaccination contain a graphic amount of violence – it also has a frightening amount of science and medical advice.”
He told the Terminal Times that the only thing he allows his family to watch is Newsmax and reruns of Davey and Goliath.
“There was a time when we briefly watched Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood as a family but when he came out as against the Vietnam War, we knew we had to stop watching,” he said, “If you can’t support every one of the US Military’s murderous actions, are you really a good American neighbor?”
Many were shocked that Mike Pence got the vaccine. His previous stance on COVID was that getting the virus was a “lifestyle choice” that could be changed with “discipline and prayer.”
A Maple Grove woman was watching the local news on Monday morning when something amazing happened.
Marissa Walters, 26, sat on her parents’ couch unassumingly when footage of the vaccine’s arrival at the Minneapolis VA hospital caught her off guard and stirred feelings she’d never felt before. Overcum with hot wet confusion, she was perplexed…but it wasn’t long before she concluded that she had creamed her pants.
Cream
“I just got so worked up thinking about the vaccine, my south mouth started to drool” Walters told the Terminal Times.
It seems the excitement of the situation became so great she had to share it with someone. “The sight of this took my breath away,” Marissa wrote while sharing an article about the vaccine’s arrival on Facebook.
The efficacy of the vaccine remains to be seen, but one thing is certain. It’s already had a remarkable impact in at least one woman’s life.
“Ya we’re gonna have to pass,” said Somalian President Mohamed Abdullahi Farmajo when questioned on whether he was going to accept an influx of Minneapolis residents. “How could I allow a group of people who put salt on watermelon to come and tarnish our lovely ocean front country?”
Josh Gordan, a resident of the Powderhorn neighborhood and hopeful future-Somalian when questioned as to why he chose somalia stated, “Well honestly I was really feeling Somalian food this morning and then realized we accidentally destroyed all the good restaurants here in Minneapolis. What better way than to get it than straight from the source.”
The mass exodus of white Minneapolis residents is sparked by riots turning their city into a post-apocalyptic warzone. Many decide to leave for the sole reason of it feeling eerily similar to St. Paul.
With social tensions at an all time high, and people in constant discourse over what should and should not be said and done in society, Cancel Culture has been one of the driving forces in this phenomenon. We decided to hit the streets and pull opinions from 100 American citizens eating dinner at a Buffalo Wild Wings on a Tuesday evening. Here is what they had to say.
“Cancel Culture? I don’t like em. They wanna try and tell me what I can and can’t say, but you know what? Joe Rogan… he’s the good guy. They don’t like when he says what he wants, and you know what? Don’t even get me started on Alex Jones, they don’t like us white people, they never did! Whatever man, bet those communists never read the CONSTITUTION. Get a job!”
Jacob Schaff, (34) ordered two large servings of honey barbecue wings while drinking beer out of the pitcher.
Brynn Kershing (26) was eating eating the grilled chicken buffalitos with a side of blue cheese and a strawberry kick coronarita.
“Yeah I’ve heard of that!” said Brynn Kershing while eating buffalitos with a side of blue cheese, “I had to stop being friends with my friend Jenny cus she turned into one of those cancel culture freaks. So anyways, she got all upset at me cus we were listening to music in the car one day, and it was a rap song and I was rapping ALL of the lyrics cus you know, THAT’S THE POINT. If they don’t want us to say it then they shouldn’t put it in there. But yeah, she gets all worked up and pauses the song because I said it, but I don’t even care. Who does that hurt you know? And like if I’m gonna get cancelled for a word then go ahead cancel me! But yeah I don’t hang out with her anymore.”
“Oh you know what,” she continued, “I think cancel culture is fantastic, you know? We are finally holding everyone accountable in a responsible way. Like, I see my neighbor on Instagram sharing his weight loss journey… like does he not understand his appropriations? We don’t need anymore intersectionality. So many awful words and ideas have slipped through the cracks for way too long. If you think about it, it really is the right way forward. Gonna make us all better people and set a great example for the microaggressions of future generations.”
Blazin’ challenge
Ben Holmes attempted the Blazin’ Challenge
Ben Holmes (30) was in the middle of attempting the “Blazin’ Challenge” when asked for the quote, and while talking to us, was informed that his 6 minutes to complete the challenge were up. This is what he had to say:
“Can you believe that? Son of a bitch, you know what, I pay good money for these wings and they can’t uh uh. . . pause the time? Like seriously, hey! All of you the whole god damn staff, go to hell and I mean that. That’s the problem you people don’t care about anybody you just follow these rules and you can all suck my dick. Oh, and tell my waitress she’s a wh*re! Thank you, buh bye!”
As you can see, the spectacle that is Cancel Culture continues to permeate and be at the forefront of the minds of many Americans. And if we are to have any takeaway from these interviews, it isn’t going anywhere for a very long time.
The Secret Service plans to make some changes to security strategies at The White House in preparation for Biden‘s presidency. In addition to standard protections, one thing that will be different from past administrations is the addition of a medical alert system for the ancient President elect.
The Secret Service plans to partner with known and trusted brand Life Alert to ensure that when the President falls, he’ll always get back up. The agency says Biden tends to wander off, and the White House isn’t equipped with enough railing to be sure he can keep his balance. “The longer we can keep him upright the longer we can keep him at the White House and out of a retirement facility… and if we can keep Kamala from pushing him, then we’re really set” said director James M. Murray.
It is rumored this change in strategy was suggested after the president elect sprained his ankle while playing with his dog Major. Aside from the emergency pendant, additional change can be expected, including putting protective coverings on all sharp corners in the Oval Office and securing any heavy furniture to the walls.
After her articulate and memorable testimony in Michigan’s Election Fraud hearing, Melissa Carone has been chosen as the keynote speaker for the 2021 Republican National Convention.
“I’m a-sspeaking at the Republican Natural Convection, are you?” she said in a statement to the Terminal Times.
Given that her verbal communication surpasses most people in Trump’s administration, she is also being considered for Trump’s newest lawyer.
“At least with this one, we don’t have to worry about any leaking,” Trump said.
The Terminal Times 