Author: The Terminal Times

Ted Cruz Leads 11 Other Republican Senators In Growing Creepy Beards

Texas and Election-Fan-Fiction Author Ted Cruz is leading the pack on a growing number of elderly Republican beards. “Every American man has the right to grow a beard that will make other people uncomfortable,” said Cruz, “11 other Senators and I will be opposing the results of basic grooming.”

Although he denies it, many suspect Cruz’s beard is a result of him spending a weekend with Don Jr. Many other Trump allies are starting to grow out their facial hair. Guiliani tried to join them, but the beard melted off his face during a press conference (He, unfortunately, got it trimmed at Great Clips Hedge-Trimming Services).

When they asked Mike Pence why he doesn’t have a beard, he insisted he does and introduced them to his wife, Karen.

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Celebrity Gossip: Mr Bean Releases Silent Film Sex Tape

Mr. Bean superstar Rowan Atkinson was caught in a scandal recently, but it’s not as whimsical as you might think. His sex tape, entitled “Bangers, Bean, and Mash” has been leaked and we’ve got the scoop!

A canonical continuation of the acclaimed “Mr. Bean”, “Bangers, Bean, and Mash” see’s Mr. Bean learning the ropes of love making.

“Damn, that pussy is tight.”

The sex tape has everything from Mr. Bean turning an electric kettle into a high powered vibrator, to making long time Mr. Bean girlfriend Irma Gobb shout her own name “Irma Gobb! Diddle my little bean, Bean!”

“I’m finna pull out like it’s Brexit, baby.”

As a slapstick masochist and member of the BeanDSM community, Bean opened the film by slipping on a banana peel and dropping a coconut on his head, and becoming visibly aroused by it.

“Good stuff,” said a film critic for New York Times, “we haven’t seen a sex tape this silent since that mime fucked Helen Keller.”

Mr. Bean drives a Mini Cooper, but his cock is anything but mini.

• Gareth O’Dalaigh, Terminal Times

Five New Year’s Resolutions You Might Actually Be Capable Of!

It’s that time of year again! Time to harness a year’s worth of self-loathing into a goal or two you hope to achieve to make you feel like less of a lazy loser. Who cares if it’s never worked before, this is your year!

In 2020 many people lost their lives and livelihoods, but some of us just lost all sense of self-respect while “working” from home. For our laziest and least-pandemic-affected readers, we have put together a list of totally achievable resolutions.

1. Get out of bed

You know what’s sexy? Definitely not bed sores in your 20s. Just because you don’t need to get up to shitpost on Facebook doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least try to hoist yourself upright occasionally!

2. Wipe your own ass

Honestly, your mom is tired of doing it for you. Next time you take a trip to brown town remember to reach back and clean things up a bit!

3. Eat a vegetable

C’mon, just one vegetable! People are visiting food shelves more frequently, but you’re letting cucumbers rot in your crisper. Seriously…one cannot live on coffee and the fumes of their own farts forever.

4. Indulge in self-pride

It’s been a hard year, maybe not for you specifically, but a lot of bad things have happened to other people. Be proud of yourself for still being here to smell your own farts.

5. Remember to breathe

It’s amazing you found the strength to read this far. Reward yourself for all your hard work this year by remembering to take time to breathe and relax. You didn’t lose your job, no one you love lost their life and you haven’t been seriously sick, but you ARE a whiny white girl living through a pandemic and you deserve a break.

• Cianna Violet, Terminal Times

Thank you to our writers, artists, editors, photographers, and interns for making this year great (?), and thanks to you for sticking through it!

Jacob Nuckolls, Charlie Settles, Max Chapman, Cianna Violet, Derrick Johnson, Patrick Strait, Gretchen Colleen, Mat Georgevich, Gareth O’Dalaigh, Cody Baker, Kavan Rotzien, Haley TDB, Tido Maldonado, James Stanley, Phil Kolas, Kelly Berger, Eli Ruffer, Evan Day, and everyone else!

And (most importantly) thanks to our sponsors, Manscaped and Chase Bank Podcast!

2021 Will be Powered by Manscaped and many more…

Manscaped: “Refining the Gentleman”

Mike Pence Asks For Pardon After Catching Glimpse Of Woman’s Ankles

Vice President and Human-White-Crayon Mike Pence is again making headlines as he pleads with President Trump to grant him a pardon after he cast a lewd gaze at a married woman’s ankles.

 “I knew if I showed my bare arms on television, the sinister sex-crazed media would start to change me,” said Pence in a public prayer of confession, “I just didn’t think it would happen so soon.”

The moment he spotted the woman’s ankles, he began to chant his mantra: “I didn’t feel a thing. Good job. I didn’t feel a thing. Good job.” But the damage was already done. 

“I can only hope for Donald Trump to forgive me for the first mistake we’ve made since taking office,” said Pence in his statement, who also wanted to apologize on behalf of Donald Trump’s Access Hollywood comments saying he can grab any woman’s pet cat that he wants. 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times 

Manscaped Says “Merry Christmas,” To Local News Source, Thanks Them For The Sponsorship

Just one week after being ranked “Top News Source In The World” By Forbes Magazine, local news source The Terminal Times received a shout-out from reputable ball-shaving business “Manscaped.com!”

“We’d like to say thank you to the Terminal Times for the sponsorship,” said Manscaped CEO Pete Tran on Sunday morning. “Really good, trustworthy news,” added Tran.

Some might say it’s “great news” for the news source to get a shoutout from such a taint trimming powerhouse, but they claim to not be in it for the fame as much as the thrill of making “Manscaped” rich.

Lawnmower 3.0 (Christmas Edition)

• The Terminal Times

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Manscaped: “Refining the Gentlemen”