Author: The Terminal Times

Paul Grinnell, 43, a rural woodworker and a poor man’s Clint Eastwood film protagonist, isn’t remotely interested in his own culture.

“The guy doesn’t own a single vinyl record,” said Brett, a local cidery owner and stick-and-poke tattoo enthusiast. “Yeah, he can chop wood, but his musical chops leave much to be desired.” Not only does he fly in the face of popular music – he seems to enjoy no aspect of the lumberjack culture.

Elise, a part-time Instagram poet and frozen yogurt artisan, echoed this statement. “I mean, what do you call a craftsman that can’t enjoy a single craft beer? Dude seems like a real poser to me.”

Gemini, an unpaid yoga studio intern, chimed in: “Sometimes I get really sad to see someone like him who has so little understanding of what really matters. He’s so disconnected. The only tweets he knows anything about are the ones the birds make.”

Paul declined to comment, as he was busy with his wife and children or something like that.

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

As the chaos of 2020 continues to escalate, a local masochist is feeling pretty good about it.

Last week, we caught up with him to see what all of it’s about.

“This whole coronavirus thing is getting kinda… hot. I caught it on purpose. It’s like somebody’s stepping on your lungs with high heeled shoes… and I for one am loving it.”

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Terminal Times: How do you feel about the infection spreading globally?

“I think it’s great, everybody is getting it: black, white, gay, straight, we’re all getting off on this together.”

Are you involved in the protests?

“I’ve been at the protests, getting gassed, hit with rubber bullets, assaulted… change has never felt so good.”

Are you wearing your mask?

“I always wear my mask. Wait… you mean my gimp mask right?”

Would you recommend getting Coronavirus?

“Absolutely. Not being able to breathe makes busting feel waaay better.”

How do you feel about the news and media lately?

“It makes me feel so bad, yet so good… It’s like PornHub, but on national television!”

• Gareth O’Dalaigh, The Terminal Times

Mark McCloskey, a self-professed “grill-master” and part-time suburban vigilante, and Patricia McCloskey, a Carole Baskins Halloween costume come to life, have adopted the Kenosha shooter.

Kyle Rittenhouse, 17, has received a huge amount of media attention after deciding to take the law into his own clammy hands and defend citizens from the violent mobbed armed with plastic bags and picket signs. “Shouldn’t have brought a plastic bag to a gunfight,” Kyle said in a statement.

This comes after the news that the  Kenosha Police Department is reportedly grooming him for their “Trigger Fingers” Police Academy Program. He was also offered a speaking spot at the Republican National Convention but he had to decline as the event ran past his bedtime. 

“We are amazed by the courage of an average, heavily-armed, pubescent citizen,” Mark gushed in his statement, “we are proud to call him our son.”

Tucker Carlson praised the adoption as “America is built on strong families,” but he did decry the violence saying, “This is another failure by liberal governors. If schools were open, this wouldn’t have happened. The shooting would have at least been at a school, and then we’d get some sense of normalcy.” 

• Bobbette, Terminal Times

“Bobby K sent me this yesterday. LOLed immediately. Had to share.”

Jacob Frey

The new Russian COVID vaccine has been turning heads worldwide after journalist Alexei Navalny stepped forward as the first involuntary trial member. Since taking the vaccine, Navalny has been “sleeping it off” in a hospital in Berlin. Medvedvev said the Kremlin is “sending him our threats and prayers.”

“I want to thank our brave volunteers for complying with the mandatory clinical trial,” Dmitry Medvedvev, Russian Prime Minister and Mike Pence-cosplayer, said in a statement on Monday.

Since March, there have been 16,683 COVID deaths in Russia, which is almost half the amount of Kremlin critics that go missing every year. “Our hearts overflow with compassion, and our rivers are flowing peacefully with journalists’ bloated bodies,” said Medvedev after another successful day of clinical trials.

COVID’s symptoms have been notoriously hard to track in Russia as loss of breath is a common symptom of seeing a shirtless picture of Vladimir Putin and lack of taste is essential for enjoying Russian cuisine.

Vladimir Putin, Russian President and Night-King superfan, spoke favorably of the most haphazardly-created vaccine in human history, saying “Science is always most effective when it serves Russia’s greater global image. And if a few journalist, activists, and some of my critics have to be sacrified to find a successful vaccine, so be it. Russians need to go to the theatre to see Tenant. We love a good espionage film.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

• Gretch En, Terminal Times

Local Animal Rescue nonprofit Secondhand Hounds is in deep water after misgendering the Springer Spaniel on their website.

Before Acorn (previously named Rick) was caught by animal control, they Tweeted on their personal Twitter account that they were “No longer going to accept being called a good boy.” and that they “prefer good dog now.” Despite that local Animal Rescue Secondhand Hounds posted that they were a Fixed-Male.

“It’s unacceptable, I know they follow me on Twitter. They even gave the Tweet a ‘Favorite.’ They did it out of spite,” said Acorn. Unlike most dogs that are fixed, the procedure was their choice. “I just knew I was different than most hunting dogs. I never really enjoyed searching in the prairie for hours on end looking for birds. I was more; Gilmore Girls and Drink mimosas all Saturday kinda dog. The only fields I like are Mrs. Field.”

Sarah McLachlan, the spokeswoman for the ASPCA, released a statement in regards to the incident. “Whether its a puppy mill, a dog fighting ring, or a non-binary dog being labeled as cisgender, it’s all animal abuse and needs to be ended.”

After letter upon letter of angry animal activist Secondhand Hounds was issued a fine of $150 dollars, twice Acorn’s adoption fees, for undue stress.

• Terminal Times

Trump’s hard work to energize the Russian vote is paying off in spades! Vladimir Putin, who recently declared smiling a public health crisis, is encouraging Russians to really “show up for the 2020 US Election.” 

In the statement, Putin expressed that he understands COVID-19 is a big concern for many of the Russian agents living in the US, but he asks them, “What is more frightening – a disease that you might die from, or disobedience that you will definitely die from?”

Putin went on to say that voting in-person is the only way to ensure fraudulent results. “We will not let a little disease stop us from exercising our Government-given right to vote in other country’s elections.”

Along with the threat of imminent death for insubordination, many Russians are just excited to cast a vote that actually gets counted. Fyodor Domitrivoch, a Russian national with 74 fake Twitter accounts, expressed his excitement at Putin’s forceful invitation. “I’ve waited my whole life travel to the US, get a job, start a family, and one day infiltrate a high-stakes Presidential Election for the sake of the Mother Country,” he said on a Reddit AMA, “that’s the America Dream.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

SAINT PAUL, MN – It’s been another sad day for local businesses. Today, “Benny’s Stuff Store” shut down due to the cruel, invisible hand of the free market.

“When it started out, we were getting so much stuff dropped off every day,” says owner, Benny Jensen, “it was like it was easier for people than trying to get someone to pay for all their old stuff. After a few weeks, the stuff was still coming in, we were even running out of room!”

Benny’s Stuff Store was wall-to-wall with the oldest gizmos, transistor radios, cotton-balled sweaters, stale crackers, and ambiguous meats. Business was booming.

But soon, things took a downhill turn. Although the supply got larger and larger, the demand stayed at an even-keeled disinterest. This was the thrift store’s eventual undoing. Within weeks, their profit margin was non-existent while their stuff was multiplying by the day. 

Why people didn’t come in to buy other people’s high school lettermen jackets, porcelain dolls, used underwear, and pornographic hotel paintings is beyond us!

“I guess one man’s trash is also… another man’s trash.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

“I don’t know,” said Barthalomew with a full erection, “I really thought we were vibing. She danced with me for nearly 3 sonnets and I even got to see her undergarments…socks,” he said with a wink.

Bart has been looking into the possibilities of marriage with Priscilla since the first and only meeting between the two wayfaring youths. Before Priscilla left the barn she gave Bart a general area of where she would be if he felt like sending a letter. It’s been a year and a half now and Barthalomew still waits for the return letter from his heart’s true desire. 

When asked her thoughts on it, Priscilla left us on “read.”

• The Terminal Times