Author: The Terminal Times

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

The Climate has already changed several times as she tries to decide what to wear this evening.

“Will it be hot? Or cold? Should I bring a sweater? Or will that be too hot? I’m cold on the top and hot in the middle!” She wonders, rustling through all of her outfits, ” I feel like I always run hot these days!”

Conservatives are using this to justify it saying “climate change cannot be man-made as the climate is changing on its own!” But Liberals argue that the climate is changing because it’s unsure of what the temperature will even be.

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

QAnon has released a statement declaring foul play was involved in Hurricane Laura. They claim winds of that magnitude were generated by cannibal pedophile’s digestive tracts after a long night of feasting. They say that kind of flatulence could not come normal non-human meat.

“That kind of forceful ass-blast can only come from eating the pure blood of pizzagate children with pineapples,” said an anonymous QAnon source that described himself as a “Reddit admin-turned-doctor-turned-FBI agent-turned-crime-fighter.”

For years, QAnon has been the only thing standing between the American people and a group of elite pedophile cannibals – a group of Hollywood satanists described by QAnon as the only thing worse than vegans.

President Trump has tweeted in support of this QAnon theory saying, “Of course that kind of nasty air comes from Democrat-led cities like Chicago – the ‘windy’ city! Their pedophile farts have been lurking in the shadows for too long!!”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Gotham, America

Cheers of victory today as Gotham City enjoys its third month of still-dropping crime rates after instituting its new “Supervillian Execution” policy, based on the standard that any criminal that Batman has to defeat single handedly is immediately and without trial executed in the quickest possible fashion.

“Each of these villains has been a constant threat and an existential dread to the very foundation of this great city,” says Commissioner Jim Gordon. “Leaving it within a hair’s breadth of destruction from a giant freeze lazer, a nightmare clown who kills you in your sleep, or another Freudian-related metropolitan-wide affliction of some sort. Well we as a people said ‘no more,’ while also adding that, ‘if we have to get Batman to do it, we’d definitely kill the shit out of you afterwards.'”

Joker, The Penguin, Two-Face, Bane, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, The Riddler, Ra’s Al Ghul, Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, Killer Croc, Hush, Clayface, Solomon Grundy, Calendar Man, Mad Hatter, Cluemaster, Ventriloquist (just the doll), and the Ten Eyed Man have all fallen under the state sanctioned elimination program.

According to Gordon, it was immediately a unanimous decision. “We first came up with the idea after Two-Face kidnapped all the identical twins in the city and made their parents choose which one was going to live…again. At that point we decided we’d had enough. One person asked if we should put it to a city resolution or something. I said there’s no way there’s anyone left in the city who isn’t bored of the whole goddamn thing by now.”

As it looks, the decision has been welcomed with open arms by all the citizens of Gotham, who can now walk the city safely without worrying about being turned into marionette puppets, frozen into a giant snow globe, or eaten by a giant lizard man.

“I think it’s a great idea”, claims local philanthropist Bruce Wayne. “I think this city can finally start healing. Maybe get some therapy and move on with its life.”

“I wonder what we’ll do with all our free time now,” he added.

• Phil Kolas, Terminal Times

Our nation is more divided than ever, but if there is one thing we can all agree on is that America used to be a hell of a lot gayer.

If you look at the Founding Fathers (Declaration Daddies), you’ll see it everywhere. I mean, George Washington and Lafayette were relationship GOALS. What was REALLY Revolutionary about the War is the progressive relationships.

In fact, at the Battle of Concord, it was Washington and Lafayette that were responsible for the Cheek-Clap Heard Round the World. Some of these clues are even in the NAMES of the Founders themselves. John Adams? Adams’? John BELONGED to ADAM. He was ADAM’S. Who was Adam, you ask? HIS LOVER OF COURSE.

Not unlike Thomas Jefferson. Say it slowly. JEFF-HER-SON. “Jeff, her son is HOT” is what that name is trying to say.

And don’t think it stopped with the Declaration Daddies. Even Abraham Lincoln, the Emanci-panters himself, is part of America’s Gay History. Babe Lincoln wasn’t only concerned with keeping the Union intact during the Civil War – he reportedly had his own civil union he was trying to keep together. Honest Abe may have been honest, but he wasn’t straight.

I could go on all day (that’s what Abe said), but I rest my case. People need to WAKE UP and realize that we are being lied to about our history. We need to live up to our great pledge to be “One Nation, Under God, Indivisible, with Lesbians and Justice for All.”

God Bless America and God Save the Queen, YASS!

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

While the idea of a “bucket list” is typically an aspirational list of things to do, see and experience throughout the course of a lifetime, Chanhassen, Minn. native Mark Clay reportedly completed his entire bucket list over the course of the past 90 days.

Clay, 28, says that a combination of age, wisdom, and an extended period of unemployment helped him find his motivation.

“Once I got fired from my staffing job, I just decided I was too old to be wasting my life sitting at a desk,” Clay explains. “I really didn’t want to wake up one day and be 80 years old, thinking about what I should have done differently. I mean, you get busy living or get busy dying. That’s what I always say.”

Some of the life-changing events that Clay has experienced over the past several months include visiting the Miller-Coors Brewery in Milwaukee, and finishing every episode of Breaking Bad only a decade after airing its final episode.

“It’s the greatest story of our generation,” Clay says, clearly not understanding his generation. “Plus I see a lot of Heisenberg in myself. We’re both badass bosses who aren’t scared to go get what we want.”

Clay’s college friend and current roommate, David Chuang, says that he believes Clay may have misunderstood the purpose of a bucket list.

“When he told me he needed to finish his bucket list, I thought he was dying or something,” says Chuang. “But I just think he was pumped about the extra $600 in unemployment during COVID and didn’t really want to find a job.” 

According to Clay, he concluded his bucket list just two weeks ago when he toured Paisley Park, Prince’s recording studio also located in Chanhassen, which offers public tours nearly every day of the week. 

“It was so powerful being in the same room as Prince’s motorcycle from Purple Rain,” Clay says. “I never saw that movie, but I love that Chappelle Show sketch where he says, ‘Game…blouses.’ I can seriously quote every joke from that show.” 

“I spent a shitload of money this summer so I really need to make some quick cash,” he explains. “Other than that, I added some new stuff to my bucket list, like seeing that new Batman movie when it comes out, and trying more flavors of White Claw. Like I said, get busy living or get busy dying.”

With all of his goals accounted for, Clay says he plans to begin driving for Uber this winter and wait to see where life takes him next.

• Patrick Strait, Terminal Times

Zack Snyder, director of films that require more defending than a Republican’s fragile concept of the border, is helming a new cut of 2020. After making films that feel like it takes a year to watch, he’s remaking an actual year. Director of 300, is taking on the last 365 days.

Many fans of 2019 were pretty disappointed Snyder’s vision wasn’t realized for 2020. The first cut of 2020 was criticized for having too many jokes and light-hearted moments after Joss Whedon oversaw some reshoots.

Snyder’s version will allegedly feature a stripped-down version of Loenard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” while sweaty neck-bearded men pour over QAnon forums in slow motion.

It will also include a cast of 4Chan users played by Gal Gadot and Amber Heard wearing miniskirts with Henry Cavill’s left asscheek in talks to play Joe Biden.

It’s rumored to also introduce AOC, Ilhan Omar, and other members of the Squad when Bernie Sanders – played by Jessie Eisenberg – opens an email attachment.

“It will be unlike anything you’ve ever seen before,” said Snyder, “and by that I mean, it will be very much like something you’ve seen before except it will be longer, darker and more complicated.”

– Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

Dads everywhere have debated between whether the 5 second rule is 3 seconds or 5, but they all agree – germs will wait at least a couple seconds before pouncing on a piece of dropped food. The Clean Plate Committee has backed this theory and propagated it in homes throughout the Midwest. Now, science confirms this. 

“COVID will obey the previously-proven laws of germs by waiting a respectable 5 seconds before claiming any food object as it’s own,” said CDC’s Robert Redfield, “if the food you’re eating is wearing a mask, you may even get 10 seconds.” 

He also said that if both the food and the floor is wearing a mask, there’s a good chance you can keep it there for a solid few minutes before COVID gets its germy paws all over it.

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

This weekend, thousands of white people poured onto social media to try and prove that they have seen the 2018 Superhero film Black Panther. Many even stated they have seen it more than once!

“Absolute tragedy that we lost Michael B. Jordan,” Stacy tweeted with a picture of Jamie Foxx, “WAKANDA FOREVER!”

This, and thousands of other tweets like it, mourned the loss of beloved King T’Challa. “Black Panther was such a meaningful film for so many people,” Jennie posted with a screenshot of the film Coming to America, “But as they said in the movie, it’s the Circle of Life.”

“He was so young,” a distraught Instagram user Garret shared with a photo of Wayne Brady, “I can’t believe we lost him RIGHT AFTER he won the Masked Singer last year!”

Even brands like Nike have upped their performative activism game this weekend. A Nike Spokesperson tweeted out that “For every person that tweets the hashtag #NikeIsAnEthicalCompanyYayNike, we will donate $0.37 to an organization committed to making money off of social justice initiatives!”

Other activists have come out of the woodwork. “We white folk need to lean into these uncomfortable conversations,” said Instagram activist Melissa Waides, “that is the only way we can get any relief from all this guilt we’re feeling.”

She went on to say, “I miss Childish Gambino, too. But we have to keep pressing on to fight the good fight for him.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

One delivery driver finds the recent national COVID-19 pandemic to be right up his adrenaline alley.

“I got a tattoo of the germ design on my wrist. Just thought it looked cool,” says Joseph Swellen, 23. “This job is even more exciting than usual now, now that my chance to die has gone through the roof.”

Swellen says that the excitement of delivering food to people is initially what attracted him to the job.

“Once I read that the Department of Labor proved that being a delivery driver is over twice as dangerous as being a pussy-ass cop, I knew this was the gig for me.”

Since the advent of the worldwide COVID-19 Coronavirus, Swellen says the job is even more invigorating. 

“I’ve always loved the challenges of delivering food. Paying for parking out of my own pocket or take a risk getting towed, worrying about getting hit by traffic running across streets, paying my own gas and car repairs, and getting $4 a delivery with no healthcare is such a fucking thrill, living on the edge like that. Now I find out that I can die just from leaving my house and breathing deeply? What a trip, man. That’s so dope.” 

“Life is such a rush,” he coughed.

• Phil Kolas, Terminal Times