Author: The Terminal Times

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• Phil Kolas, Terminal Times

Photograph by Tyler Martindale

We’ve still got a lot to look forward to!

According to our anonymous, present-shaking source, 2020 is preparing something very big for the end of the year. “Trump had his big October surprise,” said our source, “but you should see 2020’s December surprise!”

That’s right! Not only has 2020 given us a global pandemic and a Presidential election that aspires to be a dumpster fire inside a nursing home, it’s also in talks to start our nation’s latest Civil War!

Reportedly, 2020 has also recruited Game of Thrones showrunners Benioff & Weiss to make the end of the year as disappointing as possible.  “2020 is looking to go out with a bang – one that we haven’t seen since the 60’s,” they said, “the 1860’s.” 

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

This past weekend, UFC fighter Eric “Predator” Peters caused a stir outside of the cage with a series of well-crafted comments during a Reddit “Ask Me Anything (AMA)” with fans. 

The controversy began when Peters was asked his feelings on defunding local police.

BloodHole18: “heyy @EPpredator31, u baptized Sanchez last night with those elbowz! also, do u back da boys in blu?”

EPpredator31: “It was an honor to share the cage with such a talented athlete. As for your question, while I support first responders I think we need serious police reform that focuses on providing mental health assistance and non-violent training. Defunding the police isn’t about completely shutting it down; it’s about allocating funds to help as many people as possible.”

Peters’ response elicited quite a reaction with the UFC online community, who did not appreciate his balanced response to a complex question.

DewTheDood: “wish u wood have died! Respect the blue line!”

The fighter was also met with significant backlash when he refused to take a blatantly racist position on Black Lives Matter.

FuckMan666: “down wit u since you shattered Tank’s ribcage back in 2014! Question – how fukkin hard is it for fighters to say that all lives matter?”

EPpredator31: “I think the important thing to remember is that in order for all lives to matter, we must first acknowledge that Black Lives Matter.”

Not surprisingly, the collective braintrust of UFC fans online were less than impressed with Peters’ take on race relations.

CoolMike89: “gay bro.”

When reached for comment, the UFC senior leadership shared that they believe Peters should have the opportunity to share his opinions but only when they make sense for advertisers.

“Look, this dipshit can talk about police and Black Lives Matter on his own time,” said UFC President, Dana White. “But when he’s representing us, he needs to stick to fighting and telling people what energy drinks rip the hardest, and how fucking good Planters P3 Protein Packs taste.”

In a statement to The Terminal Times, Peters expressed remorse for demonstrating intelligence and human decency when speaking with the smooth-brained UFC fanbase.

“After some reflection, I realize that I used too many complex words and complete sentences. In the future, I promise to stick to crushing jaws, crushing cans of Modelo Especial, and crushing the long-standing patriarchal systems that are keeping women from advancing in their business ventures!”

No word on if Peters will be released from his contract for supporting women, or just “sack-tapped” by UFC executives.

• Patrick Strait, The Terminal Times

October 4th, 2020

As Halloween approaches, the 4-20 of October has arrived! Stoners everywhere are preparing to smoke pot all day and watch horror movies on Netflix! 

Light up your blunt-o-lanterns, potheads, it’s October 4-20! 

“I’m gonna smoke pot all day and watch Black Mirror on my Xbox,” said local weed freak Jeremy Walters, “it’s gonna be dope.”

Jeremy is a member of the “spooky stoners” Facebook group, a community self-described as “a FB group to post videos of yourself smoking weed and jamming to monster mash lol.”

Even non-Halloween fans are getting in on the fun. 

“I’m not much of a Halloween guy,” said member Tovan Smith, “ghosts are too trippy. But pot is tight, so we figured we could combine the two and make October chill as hell.”

What are their plans for the end of 4-20? 

“I’m probably gonna smoke some pot,” chuckled Jeremy. “Completely booked tomorrow.” 

• The Terminal Times

After Twitter banned users from sharing memes wishing death upon the president, 750,000 account holders have been taken into FBI custody.

The users were banned from the platform and immediately arrested for tweeting things such as, “i hope trump dies lol,” and “lol, i hope trump dies.”

“750,000, that’s a lot of people,” said a spokesperson for Twitter, “we’ve lost ad revenue because of our new lack of juice drinking hippies. I think we’ll have to get more liberal somehow.”

The prisoners are being stationed in various Zoom calls and chat rooms, awaiting trial for bullying someone who made bullying popular again.

• The Terminal Times

“Just 24 hours after testing positive for coronavirus, President Trump claims to have cured the diesease by having sex with his hot wife and possibly daughter. The claim has scientists everywhere asking “could Russian pussy be the cure?” 

 “I cured it. Some say, ‘did he?’ I really did, I cured it. Tremendous. Ivank- I mean Melania’s Va-china is fantastic. Great genetics. We had sex for 10, 15 Hours. Incredible. Best she’s ever had,” glouted the sweaty, hyperventilating president. “I made her cum. I really did. Can Obama say that? He can’t even make Michelle cum, is what I hear. But me, I made her cum. Really good.” 

“Made me what!?” asked Melania when informed on the president’s statements. “I cant believe he would fabricate such lies. We’ve never even had sex before, that wasnt the deal he made with supreme leader. Hand holding only.”

• The Terminal Times

Find yourself a new Creator of the Universe, folks, because God is being canceled. Twitter took to storm this week after finding out that God, age infinity, impregnated Mother Mary at just the age of 14! People all over the world are asking God to step down as Creator of the Universe, while others are calling for His arrest. Though unfortunately, according to Jerusalem State Law, the statute of limitations does not extend to over 2,000 years ago, so it looks like this matter will stay in the public’s hands. The #MeToo movement has sparked wide, justified, and long overdue rage over the past few years, and has been successful in taking down some of the most powerful men in the entertainment industry including Harvey Weinstein,T.J. Miller, Ghislain Maxwell, David Bowie, and now God.

God and His attorney’s have yet to issue a statement when contacted about the allegations.  

With people everywhere demanding God to step down as Creator of the Universe, it begs the question, who will replace Him? 

Twitter user @marxistqueerstinkypussy, a white woman from Seattle, tweeted this morning “yo fr tho replace God with dat one Indian Woman God u know the bitch wit like 8 arms lmao she fire tho lbvvs” 

The tweet went viral after it was retweeted by Congress Woman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez and Danny Devito. There seems to be a consensus on “left twitter” that the replacement of God The Almighty should not be a straight white man and that diversity should come into play. #Durga, the Hindu Goddess of War, is trending on twitter and seems to be a top contender in the replacement of God, Creator of the Universe.

This afternoon @DrBrianCalloway, professor of Sociology at NYU, tweeted “It’s impossible to ‘cancel’ an abstract concept like ‘God’, this is an idea that only exists spiritually with people and that isn’t concrete.” He later deleted his account after receiving multiple death threats and was shortly fired from his teaching position at the University after working there for 20 years.

Regardless of which stance on the matter you side on, there is at least one thing in the future that is certain. God is canceled!

• Tommy Bayer, Terminal Times

The acceptance Eric has been craving for his entire life was granted to him while America’s two dad’s fought over who was the worst parent and who would eventually get custody of the dumpster fire they created.

“I will stand by for you, sweet sweet father,” said Eric as a single tear streamed down his  sheen-white face, “Just wait until Don Jr. hears about this!”

The President’s words have made ripples throughout the media. Many are shocked to see him so openly refuse to condemn his own two sons.

“He’s often said he’s proud of his girl – the fine piece of ass we all know as Ivanka – but he has yet to announce that he is proud of his boys,” said MSNBC Anchor Thomas Roberts, “We are shocked to see our President embrace his role as a father of men and not just someone who sexually harrasses his hot daughter.”

Tucker Carlson defended the President, stating, “He did openly condemn his two sons back in 2018, so why would he need to do it here? Sure, it sounds like he’s praising Don Jr and Eric and maybe even Barron, but he told them to stand back. He’s been actively fighting against them since he became President. He doesn’t need to say it in a debate.”

President Trump declined to comment on last night’s statement, but many believe that he is openly supporting his two sons – something critics have suspected about him since the 2016 election.

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

1. We’re fucked

2. We’re fucked

3. We’re fucked

4. We’re fucked

5. We’re fucked

6. We’re fucked

7. We’re fucked

8. We’re fucked

9. We’re fucked

10. Etc

• Terminal Times

After the bombshell revelation that President and hand-gesture enthusiast Donald J. Trump has cheated on his taxes for the past 20 years, the effects are felt throughout the White House.

According to a source close to the White House, Melania Trump is devastated. “I thought I was the only thing he cheated on!” she’s reported to have screamed into her $45,000 dollar plush pillow made out of her favorite endangered species.

Despite the recent bad press, Trump’s top Financial advisor, Eugene H. Krabs is optimistic. “If you want to rack up $421 million in debt over a period of two years, go ahead,” he advised, “you can’t take it with you!”

“People say, ‘More Money, More Problems’,” Krabs told the Terminal Times on Monday, “but my client has only had problems when he doesn’t have any money!”

Despite Trump’s dire financial situation, Krabs always tells him to remember things that stay constant. “The only certainties in life are debt and tax evasion,” he concluded, “and the amount of money we make from swindling poor people!”

– Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times